


The Fall of Athena: A Wife's Dissent

by bisexualspacenerd



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV), The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Genre: Another look into Gilead, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Male Character, Canon - TV, Canon Compliant, Children, F/M, I am trash for this show, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Pregnancy, References to The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:55:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23731186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualspacenerd/pseuds/bisexualspacenerd
Summary: Everyone in the district seemed to know my story. I was the wife that tried to run. I lived happily with my husband, Commander Finn Avery and our twin daughters, Beatrice and Saoirse. We were a part of the beginnings of Gilead. Finn was an influential man, and I was a fertile woman. Many people did not know, however, that I was pregnant by our driver Jonas and not Finn. Before there was Gilead, there was Finn, Jonas, and I. We were an unstoppable trio.Unless you were three bisexual people in a country that saw same-sex attraction as a sin punishable by death. We hid our relationship. Jonas was simply a close family friend who held our same ideals. Finn and I both knew we could not lose Jonas.As Gilead grew, I saw the country that it would become. I could not bear having my girls grow up there. Finn and Jonas agreed. By the time I made a run for the border, I was already pregnant. After I was caught with Beatrice and Saoirse, the district council knew that there must be punishment. Beatrice and Saoirse returned to live with Finn and Jonas. I got sent to the Red Center. I was then placed with Commander Smith after his previous handmaid died in a traffic accident.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character, Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 14
Kudos: 16





	1. Athena

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! 
> 
> I am so delighted to have you read my precious little baby. I have been working on this fanfiction for about four months now, and I am so excited to share it with you all! For reference, the plot begins around season three episode three, shortly after Ofjohn #2 dies. Please note that I did research into the world of Gilead. (Thank you The Handmaid's Tale wiki page!) Not everything is accurate, but I tried my best. Italics represent Athena's thoughts and reactions to the situation going on around her. Kind of like June's narration in the TV show. The plus signs are there as guides for time skips, context, and flashbacks. I know that this trio and their situation is extremely rare, but it makes it more fun to write! I hope that you all fall in love with them as much as I have. 
> 
> Sincerely, 
> 
> Addy, bisexualspacenerd

_ Inhale. One, two, three, four. Exhale. One, two, three, four. _

The simple routine that repeated in my head day after day. It’s what kept me sane. It’s what kept me focused. 

“OfJohn?” A voice called. I did not answer them. My eyes focused on the sidewalk beneath my feet. “OfJohn?” The voice called again. This time I lifted my head in recognition. My walking partner, OfHenry, was the one trying to reach me. I wore a fake smile. Today was not a good day. 

“Blessed be the fruit,” I replied. 

“May the Lord open,” she responded. I pulled my grocery bags close to my chest and set off towards the grocery store. It’s one that was usually done in silence, but OfHenry had other plans for today. “How are you today? OfKyle had to walk with me yesterday. She said that you did not feel well,” OfHenry asked. 

While I was grateful that she asked, I wished that she had not. I placed a hand on my swollen belly. I was pregnant. A great blessing for my commander. 

_ Even though the child was not his. _

“Yes, I am just fine. Thank you for asking. I always feel weak in the final weeks leading up to birth,” I answered. This time was different though. I felt nauseous at the idea of leaving my child in this house. I could not leave them there. I wished for them to be with my husband. At least my twins were with him. That kept me going. 

“Ah yes. Do you think you are having a boy or a girl?” OfHenry asked. “My commander always asks the Lord to bless me with a boy before each Ceremony.” Those words made me sick to my stomach. I felt my child shift uneasily in the womb. They knew what I knew. 

“My commander prays for a boy as well, but I have a feeling that it is a girl,” I disclosed.

_ I have carried two girls. I knew what they felt like. This child felt like a girl, but I pleaded with God each night for a boy. A boy had a better chance in this hellhole. _

OfHenry smiled and looked at me. 

“Hopefully God is gracious enough to bless you with a boy,” she told me. I simply nodded and prayed that the grocery store was close. My feet and back ached. I should not have told Julia that I was able to get the groceries today. Mrs. Smith encouraged me to go this morning. She was just eager for her child to come. I longed for him to stay in the womb forever. There I could protect him. 

I felt weak again. My breathing faltered, and OfHenry sensed it. I placed my hand on my stomach and closed my eyes for a moment. OfHenry placed her hand on my arm. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” She asked worriedly. I nodded and looked up at the Guardian who stood in front of me. He was cautious. His radio was in his hand, and I knew he was looking at the Guardian behind me. Handmaids could not go anywhere alone anymore. Not after OfJoseph and OfFred made a break for Canada. 

I looked over my shoulder at the Guardian. We were not far from the house, but they could take me to a doctor soon. They were scared of losing a child. 

“I’m fine. I promise. I just feel a little faint,” I replied. I looked back at OfHenry. Her dark eyes were focused on mine. She was nervous and had every right to be. I knew my body. This child was not going anywhere. The walk was silent for the rest of the way. 

+ + +

Everyone in the district seemed to know my story. I was the wife that tried to run. I lived happily with my husband, Commander Finn Avery and our twin daughters, Beatrice and Saoirse. We were a part of the beginnings of Gilead. Finn was an influential man, and I was a fertile woman. Many people did not know, however, that I was pregnant by our driver Jonas and not Finn. Before there was Gilead, there was Finn, Jonas, and I. We were an unstoppable trio. 

Unless you were three bisexual people in a country that saw same-sex attraction as a sin punishable by death. We hid our relationship. Jonas was simply a close family friend who held our same ideals. Finn and I both knew we could not lose Jonas. 

As Gilead grew, I saw the country that it would become. I could not bear having my girls grow up there. Finn and Jonas agreed. By the time I made a run for the border, I was already pregnant. After I was caught with Beatrice and Saoirse, the district council knew that there must be punishment. Beatrice and Saoirse returned to live with Finn and Jonas. I got sent to the Red Center. I was then placed with Commander Smith after his previous handmaid died in a traffic accident. 

Finn begged the council to have the child placed with him as it was his child. Their response? Your wife should not have run for the border. My punishment was serving as a handmaid, handing my child to a different commander, and having to watch my girls grow up without me. It hurt worse than any other punishment. 

I had my ways around it though. My girls were old enough to remember me. I could not be wiped from their minds. It was how I sneaked little hand squeezes when I saw them walking to school with their Martha. Finn sneaked into the garden at night to kiss me. As a pregnant handmaid, it was hard because everyone was watching me. I managed though. They were going to have to try harder if they wanted me to obey. 

+ + +

The grocery store was crowded today. I didn’t want to be here for long because I didn’t need any more eyes on me. OfHenry was already worried enough. I greeted a few familiar handmaids before I started gathering things I needed. Most of them did not care for me. They saw me as a wife. I didn’t blame them. Most of their families were separated, and mine lived down the street. If it wasn’t required, I would not expect any of them to show up for the birth of my child. Except for OfHenry. Maybe. 

I stopped by the canned tomatoes. Once I stopped, my vision danced. I placed a hand on my stomach, held onto the shelf for support, and closed my eyes for a moment. I heard footsteps. I knew that I made the Aunts concerned. I breathed deeply and opened my eyes. In front of me stood Aunt Elizabeth. 

“Are you alright? Everything feels okay?” She asked. At least she did not call me “dear” as Aunt Lydia did. I nodded and grabbed a can off the shelf. I placed it in my bag. 

“Just fine. I just needed a moment to stop. I feel a bit tired today,” I answered her. Aunt Elizabeth did not believe me. I could see OfHenry come around the corner. She didn’t believe me either. 

“I will have the Guardians take you home. You shouldn’t be on your feet if you’re not feeling well,” Aunt Elizabeth responded. I wanted to groan and say that I was fine. Then the child in my womb kicked me as if to tell me to give in. 

“That would be lovely. Thank you, Aunt Elizabeth,” I replied. The smile on my face was forced. “Let me just finish gathering the groceries, and I’ll be waiting by the door.” I walked towards the next aisle, and I could feel the Aunts watching me. A few Handmaids watched me too. I caught their gazes as I walked through the aisles. There was nothing to be concerned with. I gave birth to twins. I could handle this. 

After checking out, Aunt Elizabeth ushered me to the back of a Guardian truck. She apologized for not having the Handmaid Car, but I dismissed it. I climbed inside and watched a Guardian climb in after me. Aunt Elizabeth waved me off before turning back into the store. 

With my hand pressing back against the child in my belly, I did not pay attention to the Guardian until he said something. 

“Can I feel your belly?” He asked timidly. I wanted to snap at him before I noticed who it was. A familiar face with familiar eyes. 

“Jonas?” I asked in disbelief. He nodded. “Isn’t Finn out of town? I thought you were driving him.”

“No, he wanted me to stay and watch the girls. He had someone else drive.”

“Did you seriously leave Beatrice and Saoirse with Gena?”

“Well, I had to come to check in on my favorite girl,” Jonas said with a cheeky smile. I rolled my eyes. He always knew how to flirt. 

“Come here,” I said. I took Jonas’s hand and placed it where mine was. “He’s kicking hard. He is going to make it difficult these next few weeks.” I said. I called the child “he” with hope in my eyes. Hope that he will be able to learn and love. The feeling in my stomach told me otherwise. 

Jonas smiled as he felt the baby kick. I remembered the day that I fell in love with him.

+ + +

Jonas swept Finn off of his feet before I met him. Finn met Jonas through work. Jonas was hired as a security guard at the law firm Finn worked at. 

“I met the cutest boy today,” Finn said when he came home. We hadn’t had a conversation about opening our relationship yet. I knew that it was coming from the sparkle in Finn’s eye. 

We had two toddlers, and I didn’t want to raise them by myself. I didn’t want to feel like I was losing my husband. Finn assured me that I wasn’t. I didn’t believe him until Jonas showed up at our door for dinner one night. 

The twins were at my sister’s house because we needed the time to explore this relationship. Finn made dinner, so I could get ready. I added the finishing touches to my makeup when Finn called up the stairs. 

“He’s here!” He yelled. 

“Coming!” I called back. I ran out of the bathroom, threw on my shoes, and walked down the stairs. Finn waited at the bottom, watching in awe. “What?” I asked.

“Just admiring the woman that I love,” he whispered. He pressed a kiss to my lips when there was another knock at the door. “I want you to open the door,” he said gently. I bit my lip because I wasn’t sure. Perhaps Finn could open it and act like a buffer. Before I disagreed with Finn, he pushed me towards the door. 

I sighed and placed my hand on the handle. I took a deep breath and opened the door. My heart pounded in my ears as I looked at the man on our doorstep.

He was handsome. Maybe twenty-two or twenty-three. His smile reached his eyes once he saw me. Or maybe Finn who stood behind me. He had flowers, a bouquet of sunflowers, in his hand.

“You must be Athena,” he said. “I’m Jonas Brightly. It’s nice to finally meet you. These are for you.” He handed me the sunflowers, and I almost cried right there. Sunflowers were my favorite. Finn must’ve told him that. 

“Yes, thank you. Please come in,” I told him. I stepped out of the doorway, so Jonas could come in. He stepped into the house and greeted Finn with a hug. As I shut the door behind him, I realized how tall he was. While I stood at 5’9”, Finn was 6’1”. Jonas must have been 6’2” or 6’3”. It wasn’t much of a height difference, but it was there. 

Finn led Jonas into the dining room, and I watched them for a moment. My heart ached because I didn’t know where this would take our relationship. 

I had nothing to be afraid of. Things were hard. Like all relationships. While we still fight from time to time, we were in love. Jonas was the missing piece that we didn’t know was missing. 

Here I was seven years later. Falling head over heels in love with both of them each and every day. 

+ + +

“Is Mrs. Smith allowing you to name the baby like she said she would?” He asked. The subject made a hole in my heart. 

“I don’t know. She might. She might not. I think she will let me because we have been discussing names,” I replied. 

“Oh, so you told her Jonas Junior right?”

“No. I told her the names we had discussed,” I reminded him. 

“Okay. Don’t name him after me. I see how it is,” he joked. I rolled my eyes and punched him in the arm. Our time together was not long enough. Soon the truck came to a stop outside the Smith house. I could already see Mrs. Smith standing at the top of the stairs. Jonas and I made eye contact, and we kissed briefly. I didn’t know when I would see him again. They might move me to a different district, and I would never see him again. I prayed that that was not the case. 

When the door opened, Jonas helped me out of the truck. With grocery bags in my hand and an ache in my heart, I climbed the stairs. I should have told Jonas I loved him. He already knew. The truck pulled away when I reached the top step. 

“Are you alright, dear?” Mrs. Smith asked when I stepped inside. I simply smiled and nodded. I hated the nickname “dear”. I might be younger than Mrs. Smith, but I didn’t need to be treated like a child.

“Yes, Mrs. Smith. I’m just fine,” I replied. I walked towards the kitchen. Julia was preparing lunch, and my stomach growled. “Julia, they were out of red onions today. I hope white ones are okay.”

Julia was kind. Her eyes were the ones you saw in someone who had seen too much. In life before Gilead, she was a nanny. Someone who adored children. We bonded during nights that I could not sleep because of pregnancy-induced insomnia. She made the best cookies and would leave them out for me at night. She was the only reason I felt comfortable leaving my child in this house. I trusted her with my life. 

“That’s alright. The Commander will just have to deal with it,” she responded. “Why don’t you sit down? Lunch will be ready soon. Mrs. Smith wants you to eat. She’s worried about you, so she called Aunt Lydia and the doctor. They’re both on their way.” I rested my head on my hand. Why did they stress so badly? I wished that Finn was there to explain that this was normal. 

“I wish that they wouldn’t stress so much. I’m fine. This is normal towards the end of my pregnancy,” I muttered. Julia set a plate down in front of me and looked at me. 

“Athena, please be grateful that this family took you in. You could be in the Red Center waiting to give birth and then hanged. Let them take care of you. You are carrying their child. Now eat,” she told me. 

“Yes ma’am,” I replied. As much as I hated it, I knew Julia was right. There were worse situations to be in right now. I picked up my fork and started to eat. 


	2. Thanks for Checking In. I Still Fucking Hate You.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mrs. Smith and I were the types of friends that only saw each other when our husbands associated with each other. We were never the type to come over for lunch or go for a walk. We were two different people in two different worlds. Harriett Smith had long, brown hair that was always tied up. She wore tight blue dresses. While she was not cruel, she was not kind. She knew how to command a household, yet she was afraid of me. She did not yell at me as she did at Julia. Was it because I was carrying her child? Was it because I used to be a wife? I hadn’t figured it out yet.

“Are you having trouble sleeping?” The doctor asked. 

“I get really bad insomnia during pregnancy, so I don’t sleep much,” I informed him. The doctor took note of that. He was probably going to prescribe some medicine after I gave birth. 

“Mrs. Smith tells me that you’ve been feeling weak? Have you been eating well? Not pushing yourself? Drinking plenty of water?” He asked.

“Yes, I’ve been feeling weak. I eat and drink very well. The only physical activity I do is walk to the store,” I explained. This was getting ridiculous. I wanted to go lay down or take a hot bath. 

“Have you been experiencing any bleeding or cramping? Any signs of early labor?” The doctor must have sensed my annoyance with the procedures. “Miss,” he paused to look at me. “I know that you’re not feeling well. I am just here to help and make sure the child is healthy.” He almost called me Mrs. Avery. I could see it in his eyes. They all still saw me as Mrs. Avery. It’s why Mrs. Smith wanted me to name the child. 

“No, I have not been experiencing any early labor symptoms,” I replied with a forced smile. I glanced over at Aunt Lydia who was sitting in the corner. She still saw me as Mrs. Avery as well because she kept her distance. She didn't snap at me like she did the others. Perks of being a powerful woman. 

The doctor then asked Aunt Lydia to perform her usual check-up. Aunt Lydia stood up with her brown bag in hand. I got to my feet as she approached. She undid the clasps on her bag and pulled out her paper measuring tape and notebook. I held out my arms, so she could measure my belly. It was a routine that I knew well. 

When Finn and I couldn’t make it to the doctor’s office, Aunt Lydia came to our house to make sure that everything was on track with the pregnancy. The girls loved to sit in the living room and watch Aunt Lydia. Sometimes Aunt Lydia would give in to their endless begging and allow them to wrap the tape around my stomach. Those were the simpler times. 

After Aunt Lydia finished with her measurements, the doctor came to his conclusion. “Mrs. Smith, I believe your handmaid is just sleep-deprived. Sleep is crucial during the third trimester due to the baby finishing development. While the baby is measuring ahead of schedule, your handmaid is underweight,” the doctor explained. “I recommend eight to ten hours of sleep for OfJohn and increase her calorie intake. Her body needs to prepare for the child that will arrive soon.” Mrs. Smith listened intently to the doctor’s instructions. 

“Thank you, Doctor,” she said. The doctor gathered his things. Mrs. Smith guided the doctor towards the front door. I remained in the living room with Aunt Lydia. The older woman moved across the room with slow, staggered steps. She stopped in front of me and looked at me from head to toe. My hands crossed in front of me like they could protect me from her gaze. 

“Please feel better dear. We don’t want the little one to come too soon,” she said. I forced another smile and nodded.

“Thank you, Aunt Lydia,” I answered. “I’m certain that he isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.” She smiled and patted my hands. Lydia then turned and walked out the door. I waited until everyone was gone and the door was shut before dismissing myself to my room. 

“OfJohn!” Mrs. Smith called before I could climb the stairs. 

“Yes ma’am?” I asked.

“I would like for you to stay in the guest bedroom for the next month. It’s foolish for you to climb those stairs every day,” she said. I should have felt relieved, but I didn’t. The upstairs was my hideaway.

“Thank you, ma’am. That’s very generous of you,” I replied. 

“Julia. Once you’re done cleaning up lunch, please wash the sheets in the guest bedroom and bring down OfJohn’s things,” Mrs. Smith commanded. Julia nodded and scurried off. I took a seat in the kitchen because I could not go anywhere else. Mrs. Smith took a seat across from me. I felt her eyes on me. 

Mrs. Smith and I were the types of friends that only saw each other when our husbands associated with each other. We were never the type to come over for lunch or go for a walk. We were two different people in two different worlds. Harriett Smith had long, brown hair that was always tied up. She wore tight blue dresses. While she was not cruel, she was not kind. She knew how to command a household, yet she was afraid of me. She did not yell at me as she did at Julia. Was it because I was carrying her child? Was it because I used to be a wife? I hadn’t figured it out yet. 

“So OfJohn, I spoke with the commander, and he informed me that the name Joseph cannot be used. He does not want anyone to think we named the child after Commander Lawrence. The Lord only knows what’s happening in that household,” she muttered. She didn’t make eye contact with me. Maybe she was pretending that I wasn’t here. “He also informed me that he prefers Dorothea over Jane,” she added. “His grandmother’s middle name was Jane, and he didn’t get along very well with her.”

_ Great, now I didn’t want my child to be named Dorothea. Just because the Commander liked it. _

I smiled through my teeth. “Thank you for speaking with him about it. Seems like our options are narrowed to Gabriel and Dorothea,” I replied. Two names that I have loved since the day I found out I was pregnant. Then I saw the hesitation on Mrs. Smith’s face. 

“The Commander actually has some names he would like you to consider,” Harriett told me timidly. I held back the urge to roll my eyes because he was probably going to suggest ‘Ruth’ or ‘Isaiah’. Something biblical because we lived in a society with religion in control. “He would like you to consider Jonah, Elijah, Evelyn, and Mary,” she listed off the names. 

_ First of all, I called it. Second, Jonah was too close to Jonas, and my heart ached all over again. The other names were just fine.  _

“Perhaps we could have Dorothea for a girl,” I suggested. “Elijah is a lovely name for a boy.” I wanted to tell her that Gabriel and Dorothea were the names I picked and that was that. I knew in my heart that it wouldn't matter in the end. I would deliver the baby, nurse the baby until they could be weaned, and then leave. 

_ How did I ever decide this was a good system? _

Mrs. Smith grinned. “I’ll let the Commander know that when he returns home,” she said. She stood and brushed off her dress. Harriett left the room with a spring in her step. 

She was pleased because she got to name her baby what she wanted. Her baby. Even though Jonas and I made this child out of love, this child would be born into this family and carry the Smith name. Once I knew she was out of earshot, I broke down into tears. If I had the strength, I would have run from this godforsaken place. I could not bear the idea of handing my child to Harriett and John Smith. 

I wished Jonas or Finn were here to reassure me. I wished that Beatrice and Saoirse were here so I could hold them. Fuck Gilead and their ways. Fuck me for agreeing to these ways.

I wiped the tears from my eyes because there was nothing I could change now. I stood and walked towards the back door that led to the yard. I looked out the window and noticed the Guardian standing near the fence. I could have run from there. They would have caught me easily because I was dressed in all red and nine months pregnant, but I could have tried. 

I opened the door and stepped into the sunlight. I scanned the garden for a familiar face, but Jonas wasn’t hiding among the bushes today. The Guardian near the fence heard me because he looked over his shoulder at me. 

_ Don’t mind me. I just needed my vitamin D and a breath of fresh air so I didn’t go crazy in that house.  _

When he determined that I wasn’t going to make a break for it, he turned back to face the street. I stepped back into the house because the sight of the guardian knocked some sense into me. Don’t run or you’ll get shot this time. If I got shot though, I wouldn’t have to give up my baby. I shut the door and locked it. Julia must have heard the door because she hurried down the stairs. 

“Command-“ she started. “You’re not the Commander. Athena, what were you trying to do?” 

“Nothing. I just stepped out for some fresh air,” I told her. By the look on Julia’s face, I knew that she didn’t believe me. 

“Your bedroom is ready,” she continued. “Mrs. Smith asked me if I would ask you about the baby shower this weekend. She wants to make sure that you feel up to it, but she’s willing to push it a week back if necessary. She’s in the nursery if you want to further discuss it with her.” 

_ A baby shower? A day where my old friends could come and celebrate the child that would be taken from me soon enough? It sounded like a great time. Let’s even invite the handmaids that hate me! It should be a blast. Maybe Finn would be back in town for it. It could be fun.  _

“Thank you, Julia,” I replied. I walked towards the stairs. The nursery was upstairs next to the Commander’s bedroom. The sight of it made me upset. It reminded me that there was a room at home full of things for this child. I climbed the stairs slowly. As I rounded the corner, I could already see Harriett standing by the crib. My stomach tied itself into a knot. I didn’t know if I would be able to force myself to step inside the room. I stopped outside the doorway. I couldn’t take another step forward. 

“OfJohn,” Mrs. Smith said. She turned to me and smiled. “Come in.” 

I knew that it was an invite into a room that was supposed to be a sanctuary. I would rather fall down the stairs than step into that room. I forced myself to look at it for only a moment. 

The walls were painted pale yellow. A crib was nestled against the wall. A dresser and a changing table were situated next to the crib. There was a rocking chair in the corner. It looked eerily similar to the nursery at home. Mrs. Smith sensed my distress. She walked towards me and took my hand. It was the first time she had ever touched me willingly. 

“I know this is hard. It’s a hard change especially since you’ve already prepared for this child,” she said gently. “I asked Commander Avery what your nursery looked like at home. Then I tried to recreate it here. I understand that this isn’t home, but I want you to know that I’m going to take such good care of our child. We’ve been so blessed.” 

But Harriet Smith had no idea what I was going through. She never had children who had to watch her be ripped away from them. My girls might have lived in the same district, but it felt like we were a million miles apart. Harriet didn’t understand how nauseous I felt whenever I thought about leaving my child in this house. I didn’t care about how much she was going to love them or how much she wanted me to feel at home. 

I wanted to be at home. I wanted to be waiting for the girls to come home from school. I wanted to be with the men I loved. I wanted to be surrounded by my friends for my baby shower. Not Handmaids who might murder me in my sleep. 

“Thank you, Mrs. Smith,” I said sweetly. “That is very kind of you to do.” I placed a hand on my stomach as the child kicked me. Mrs. Smith took notice, and she placed her hand on my stomach. She started to speak to the unborn child inside, telling them how excited she was to meet them. It made my stomach turn. I bit my tongue to hold back the urge to throw up. As I met Mrs. Smith’s eyes, I stepped further away from the room. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me in towards her.

“Athena, you must understand that you made decisions that put your children at risk. Because of those decisions, you are no longer worthy of caring for them. As a founder of Gilead, I thought you understood that, but you clearly do not,” she murmured. “I am taking care of you to make sure my child is healthy and taken care of. Now, if I ask you to come into the nursery, you will come in. If I want to speak to my child, then I will, and you will stay right where you are. Understood?” 

This was the woman that made Julia flinch. This was the woman who the other Wives would talk about. This was the woman who scarred her first Handmaid. When Harriett Smith was upset, she made Serena Waterford look like a saint. This was the woman who had grown tired of Handmaids and wanted her child. 

“Yes ma’am, I understand,” I answered. Harriett let go of my wrist, and I stumbled backward. I looked at her and knew that there was no convincing her to give the child to Finn. If anyone wanted this child, it would be over Harriet Smith’s dead body. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading my story! I hope that you are enjoying it so far. This is something totally different than what I normally do, and it is fun to share it with the internet. I don't know a lot about pregnancy, so if there are some errors in this chapter, I do apologize. I try my best to make sure everything is accurate. Thank you once again for reading. It makes my day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What joyous day girls,” Aunt Lydia commented. “Just think about it, girls. Next Prayvaganza, we will be celebrating your little ones.” 
> 
> Oh boy. I couldn’t wait to watch the Smiths sit on that stage with my child and show them off like they were theirs. The thought alone made me nauseous. I was grateful when the car came to a stop. The Guardians opened the door, and Aunt Lydia stepped out first. We filed out after Aunt Lydia. OfHenry and I stepped into line. 
> 
> To pass the time, OfHenry started to point girls out to me. She pretended that I wanted to know who was who. In our red dresses and white bonnets, all of the Handmaids sort of blended together. Maybe that was the whole point of the uniforms. For us to blend into the background just enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!
> 
> In this chapter, there is mention of rape. Please be weary of that. This chapter is shorter than usual. I just want to say thank you for reading. Every hit and kudo means the world to me. I hope you keep coming back for more.

Prayvaganza, a celebration of the children recently born in the district, delayed the baby shower. I tried to get out of the celebration, but Aunt Lydia insisted that I go. Something about bonding with my fellow Handmaids. 

The morning air was crisp. OfHenry helped me into the back of the van. The van was mostly empty except for a few Handmaids and Aunt Lydia. Everyone else walked to the ceremony. Aunt Lydia was recovering from her injuries, and I was heavily pregnant. I noticed another Handmaid who was pregnant. It must be OfAndy. Mrs. Allston never shut up about how excited she was for the child.

“What joyous day girls,” Aunt Lydia commented. “Just think about it, girls. Next Prayvaganza, we will be celebrating your little ones.” 

Oh boy. I couldn’t wait to watch the Smiths sit on that stage with my child and show them off like they were theirs. The thought alone made me nauseous. I was grateful when the car came to a stop. The Guardians opened the door, and Aunt Lydia stepped out first. We filed out after Aunt Lydia. OfHenry and I stepped into line. 

To pass the time, OfHenry started to point girls out to me. She pretended that I wanted to know who was who. In our red dresses and white bonnets, all of the Handmaids sort of blended together. Maybe that was the whole point of the uniforms. For us to blend into the background just enough. 

“There’s OfEric and OfSamuel. You know OfSamuel. She lives nearby us,” she explained. I nodded and drowned out the rest of her words. I wouldn’t remember all of these names. Even if they were there when I gave birth, I wouldn’t notice. “Up there is OfMatthew and OfJoseph,” she told me. That name caught my attention though. OfJoseph escaped with OfFred to Canada. Or so I thought. 

I looked to where OfHenry pointed, and I realized that the woman who was OfJoseph had previously been OfFred. Was she caught? Did I miss hearing about it because I was at the Red Center? Wouldn’t I have seen her at the Red Center? Did I not pay attention that much? I glanced back at OfHenry for an explanation. 

“I thought that OfJoseph and OfFred escaped. Why is she still here?” I asked. 

“Oh, OfJoseph escaped with the Waterfords’ child. OfFred was found at the Mckenzies’ household trying to take their daughter. Guardians detained her and returned her to the Waterfords. The Waterfords no longer needed her, so OfFred was placed with the Lawrences. She has been there about a month or so,” she explained. 

I missed a lot in the three months I was in the Red Center. I knew Serena before I became a Handmaid. I was at her baby shower. Our husbands worked together. Funny how things changed. OfFred had the opportunity to leave with her daughter. Why didn’t she? 

\+ + +

From what OfHenry told me about the reception at the Putnams, it was more entertaining than Prayvaganza. OfMatthew had a few choice words about the reception. Aunt Lydia lost her temper with OfHoward and beat her in front of everyone. To stop the beating, OfJoseph threw herself between OfHoward and Aunt Lydia. It was the only thing that OfHenry could talk about at the baby shower. That and the fact that OfFred’s daughter was safe with OfFred’s husband. She got out. OfFred must be overjoyed.

OfFred was not at the baby shower. I didn’t know where she was. No one really knew where she was. I assumed she was with the Waterfords. Their child had just been found safe in Canada. Knowing Serena, she wanted her child. 

Serena Waterford was the Wife who sacrificed herself for the right to teach her daughter how to read. By sacrificing herself, I meant they cut off her pinky for reading. Finn told me about the meeting one night in the garden. I admire her bravery for trying. I would’ve been by her side when she advocated for the right to read.

Everyone was sympathetic towards the Waterford family after their daughter was kidnapped by the “mean” and “malicious” OfJoseph. At least, that’s the story the Waterfords told. It was the only reason that the entire household wasn’t on the wall. I knew from Handmaid gossip that Serena gave that child to OfFred. That was a bigger sacrifice than her pinky. 

The baby shower was nothing too special. Most of the Wives were busy talking about the Waterfords instead of watching Mrs. Smith open presents. I greatly enjoyed the fact that she wasn’t getting attention. 

I lingered in the shadows with the Handmaids. Julia often forced me to sit down and enjoy the baby shower. I always made up excuses to get out of the room. I didn’t want to face my old friends. I would rather listen to Handmaids talk than Wives any day. 

When I entered the kitchen, the chatter of Handmaids fell silent. The Handmaids weren’t used to me as a Handmaid yet. Most of them resented me. 

“It’s okay. I’m not a snitch,” I assured them. They looked at me blankly. I felt like I had walked into a den full of hungry lions. They were sizing me up and trying to decide if they trusted me.

“How do we know you’re not a snitch? How many women are you friends with here?” One Handmaid asked. She stepped forward from the red sea. I didn’t recognize her. “Did any of them hold you down while their husband raped you?” I flinched at those words. She was right. I had never gone through a Ceremony. 

“No, I have not been raped by any of their husbands. Once I tried to leave, they stopped being my friends. They won’t even look at me. You’ll notice that I’m in the kitchen with you and not out there with them,” I replied. 

“When we tried to run, we got punished. We were ripped away from our children and husbands. If we tried to run now, we would be sent to the Colonies or killed,” the Handmaid started again. “When you tried to run, you got a new dress and got to live across the street from your daughters and husband. You’re lucky that you got to carry your husband’s baby. Just wait until one of your friends holds you down while her husband rapes you. You’ll wish that you didn’t take your life for granted.” 

The words felt like a bullet to my heart. She was right again. I took my life for granted. I had no excuse for feeling sorry. They had every right to be upset with me. I ran my hand over my belly and met her eyes. 

“One thing we do have in common is not wanting to give our children up,” I replied. “My child was made out of love, and I will fight like hell to protect my child.”

“Maybe you should’ve run faster then.”


	4. Enter Prince Charming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn was the kind of guy every girl fell in love with. He was the stereotypical prince charming. He had kind eyes and a smile that made it seem like you were the only person in the room. He was the only person that could make me laugh so hard my stomach hurt. He was wise beyond his years. Every time I looked at him I found something new to love.  
> Before Gilead, he loved to read to the girls. He would sit them on his knee and act out the stories for them. I loved to just sit and watch them play. Finn still read to them, but it was scripture instead of picture books. Finn would still hold them from time to time when they asked. He tucked them into bed and comforted them when they had nightmares. Finn was meant to be a father. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the reader,
> 
> Thank you for continuing to support my work. I appreciate it so much. I hope you love these characters as much as I do. I hope that you keep coming back for more. 
> 
> Once again,  
> Thank you!

Insomnia kept me awake that night. The Handmaid’s words repeated in my head. 

_Maybe you should’ve run faster then._

If I had only left earlier, maybe the girls and I would be free. If only we had put together a better escape plan, then maybe we could all be free. What if I had stayed put? I would still be with my girls and my men, but I knew that I would grow restless in this world. I longed to be free again. I longed to love who I wanted in the open. Thoughts like these made me restless. 

Sleep already didn’t come easy, but the new room didn’t help anything. I had stayed in the guest room for a few days now, but it wasn’t the same as my room upstairs. When sleep started to creep up on me, I heard my window slide open. Fuck, the Handmaids were here to kill me. I prayed that they did it quickly. 

“Athena?” A voice called from outside the window. When I recognized the voice, I sat up and threw off the blankets quickly. I made sure the door was closed before I walked toward the window. Soon Finn’s face came into focus.

“Finn,” I answered with a grin. “You scared me half to death. How did you find me?” I hadn’t had the chance to tell Finn that I moved rooms. I stepped back as Finn slipped in through the window. 

“Well, it was purely on accident. I was throwing rocks at your window like usual, and Julia saw me standing outside. In her exact words, she told me, ‘Hey dumb ass, they moved her to the guest room. Don’t get caught.’ Then I found you here,” he explained. I rolled my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck. 

“Ah, my knight in shining armor,” I teased. 

\+ + +

Finn was the kind of guy every girl fell in love with. He was the stereotypical prince charming. He had kind eyes and a smile that made it seem like you were the only person in the room. He was the only person that could make me laugh so hard my stomach hurt. He was wise beyond his years. Every time I looked at him I found something new to love. 

Before Gilead, he loved to read to the girls. He would sit them on his knee and act out the stories for them. I loved to just sit and watch them play. Finn still read to them, but it was scripture instead of picture books. Finn would still hold them from time to time when they asked. He tucked them into bed and comforted them when they had nightmares. Finn was meant to be a father. 

Finn and I met in college. He graduated when I was a freshman. I did not know how I did it, but I captured Finn’s heart. He proposed at the end of my junior year, and we were married after I graduated. I got pregnant with the twins shortly after that. I wouldn’t change our story for anything.

I didn’t realize how big Finn’s heart was until he met Jonas. Jonas captured a new side of Finn. One that I didn’t appreciate until Jonas started to spend more time with us. Finn showed me that love did not have to be defined by one partner. 

Gilead took the Finn I knew and replaced him with a man that was tired of living a lie. A man that forced himself to be someone else to protect his family. In the beginning, he thought Gilead was a good idea. That’s how we got roped into it, but now we were too far in. Many nights he would lay his head on my lap and rant about the world. Many nights I wondered why we all didn’t run when we had the chance. 

\+ + +

“And how’s my princess tonight?” Finn asked. He rested his hands on my waist. There were bags under his eyes. His eyes were filled with worry. It was clear that he hadn’t shaved in a few days. Jonas must have told him about the supermarket. My health and work must have been his major stressors this week.

“Finn, I’m fine. I promise. We’re fine. The doctor came by and checked on us both. I’m just tired. I haven’t carried in a baby in ten years. Pregnancy gets a little harder as you get older,” I assured him. He sighed and ran a hand over my stomach.

“I know. I still worry about you though. Jonas wanted to come tonight. To make sure that you were okay, but I almost blew our cover as is,” he whispered. There was that tired man again. One that was afraid of making mistakes. I placed my hand on his cheek and brushed his hair back. 

“Finn, look at me,” I mumbled. “I am as okay as I can be. We are okay. The baby isn’t going anywhere, nor am I. How long can you stay?” 

Finn looked back out the window for a moment. He was watching for Guardians. 

“Probably a few more minutes,” he said. “With everyone on high alert, I can’t stay for too long.” I took his hand and led him towards my bed. 

“Will you hold me for a few minutes then? At least until I can fall asleep. Then you can slip back out the window,” I asked. Finn smiled weakly and nodded in agreement. I laid down, and Finn slipped behind me. We both didn’t fit on the twin-sized bed, but we made it work. Finn held me around my waist and pulled me close. 

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” I answered. 

“I miss you. The girls miss you.”

“I miss you too. I miss my girls so much.” I didn’t want to cry. I had to fight back the tears. I had to be strong for Finn.

“I promise that I’m doing everything in my power to bring you home to us. To bring you both home to us,” Finn confided. His promise brought a smile to my face because I believed him. I knew that the chances were low, but I still had faith in him. The room fell silent after that. I closed my eyes and snuggled close to Finn. With Finn pressed against my back, sleep came easily.

When I woke in the morning, the room was empty. The window was shut, and the sheets were tucked tight around me. It was like Finn had never been there in the first place, and the emptiness in my heart grew a little bigger. 

\+ + +

The week passed with a flash. It consisted of late nights with Julia, praying for the Waterford child with the Handmaids, and helping Mrs. Smith in the garden. The doctor cleared me for physical activity again.

The first walk to the grocery store was the best feeling. Part of me felt free. The spring air was refreshing after I had been trapped in the house for a week. The wind danced through the skirt of my dress. OfHenry waited for me by the gate as usual. For the first time, I was actually excited to see her. 

I closed the gate behind me and greeted OfHenry, “Blessed be the fruit.”

“May the Lord open,” she answered. “My, you’ve grown in the week I haven’t seen you. Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, I’m feeling much better. Weird for me to say that as I’m getting closer to giving birth,” I added with a laugh.

“You look like you’ve dropped. Perhaps we will have a Birth Day sometime soon?” OfHenry asked. I shrugged. I didn’t like to make bets on when my child came. 

“Who knows? With the twins, the doctors were concerned, so they induced me at 36 weeks,” I commented. 

“36 weeks? Isn’t that kind of early?” She asked. 

“Not for twins, but I wanted to let them come on their own. The doctor looked at me and told me I was crazy. They’re healthy though, so I guess the doctor knows best,” I sighed. I glanced across the street because the twins should be walking to school. 

“Great, it’s starting to rain,” OfHenry said. I held my hand out, and sure enough, droplets fell into my hand. I smiled and turned my face towards the clouds that filled the sky. 

_Thanks for the rain, God._

“Come on. Let’s go before it starts to pour,” OfHenry called. I stayed in the rain for a few more moments. The rain reminded me that I was still alive. Gilead hadn’t taken everything from me yet.

“OfJohn!” A voice called. It didn’t sound like OfHenry, who was annoyed that I didn’t follow her. I wiped the rain from my face and looked around. I spotted the caller across the street. There stood Finn with two little girls dressed in pink. Jonas stood behind them. They were on their way to school. I grinned at them and waved before I continued on. 

_Happy birthday, baby girls. Mama loves you and misses you._


	5. Pain Marks You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That was everyone’s question lately. “When’s the baby due?” I have no clue. This baby was coming whenever they wanted. “Oh, are you going into labor?” No, I just hit my elbow really on a shelf at the store. I was fine after a few minutes. “Are there any ways to induce labor sooner?” If you have some magical induction pills handy, Mrs. Smith would love to have them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Hanging, Child Death
> 
> If you get triggered by hanging or executions or stillborns, please please do not read this chapter. I probably should've done this earlier, but this specific chapter can be triggering. Please take care of yourself. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading. It means a lot to me.

With the uprising of rebels, more executions were held. It felt like every morning the execution bell tolled. Part of me wanted to be exempted from these because I was pregnant. The other part of me knew that it was my “sacred” duty to uphold. 

OfHenry and I made the long trek to the execution grounds. Bodies still hung from the trees and the light posts. At first, they scared me. I looked for Jonas among the bodies on days when I heard nothing from him. Now, they were like decorations. You get used to them after a while and pretend that they’re not there. 

OfHenry often tried to make conversation during our walks, but I had nothing to say. With each day, my pregnancy was drawing nearer to its expiration date. OfHenry tried to get me to talk about the preparations being made in the house. 

“Mrs. Smith has names picked out for the child. She hasn’t said anything about transferring or staying,” I replied. “The nursery is the same as the one at home. It makes me feel sick. It makes me feel like she’s mocking me.”

“OfJohn, she’s simply trying to make you feel more at home. She only wants the best for her child,” OfHenry snapped at me. God, I missed the days when I was brainwashed like her. I didn’t put up a fight and just went with everything I was told. 

We were silent as we entered the execution grounds. I followed OfHenry to our usual spot in the back of the line. The click of boot heels on the pavement comforted me in some way. I prayed that this would all be over soon. 

I gained a sense of normalcy about the executions too. After the first one, I puked. I couldn’t stop seeing the people’s faces as the floor dropped from underneath them. My nightmares were filled with Jonas and Finn being executed. Their empty faces stared back at me as I did nothing. I didn’t sleep for days. 

Now, I was just numb to the process. I pretended like it wasn’t happening. I pictured myself on the beach with the twins. Their laughter. The way the sun kissed their skin and bleached their hair. Those were the good days. 

Aunt Lydia goes on for a few minutes about the weather. I could honestly care less. I just wanted to get the execution over with. 

“Today, we purify the most grievous of sins,” Aunt Lydia started. “The endangerment of a sacred child.” I looked up at the gallows for a moment. I was almost one of them. The council could have hanged me because I tried to escape with my two girls. Instead, I get to be on the other side. I got to kill the people who committed the same crime I did.

“By a Martha of all people. Conspiring against the child she was trusted to protect,” Aunt Lydia continued. The Martha was in tears. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t stop picturing her as Gena. What if they had hanged Gena for my crimes? I would have never forgiven myself. I blocked out the rest of Aunt Lydia’s words because I was trying to keep it together. I tried to go to my happy headspace. I didn’t want Gena to join my nightmares. 

“Places,” Aunt Lydia called. I bent down and picked up the red rope. OfHenry stood opposite of me. The rope was thick and heavy under my hands. I was grateful for the callouses that had built up over the past few days. 

“By His hand,” I mumbled. I focused my attention on the pavement under my feet. I pulled the rope back with the others. I listened to the muffle of cries from the group. I glanced up once more before I let go of the rope. No one was exempted from the punishments of Gilead. There was no escape.

With the blow of Aunt Lydia’s whistle, the group let go of the rope. Eight more people were dead. By our hand. The group was silent, standing and watching as life left the bodies of the victims. There were no words to describe the feeling that we all felt. That was why we stood in silence. 

Aunt Lydia broke the silence. “Let that be a lesson to you,” she proclaimed. “Disperse.” If anything, Aunt Lydia, this lesson taught me that I wanted out before I had to be a part of another execution.

OfHenry and I turned to leave. She knew about the nightmares I had about this place. While I didn’t trust her completely, I told her about my lack of sleep. She expressed the same feelings about the executions. Perhaps she wasn’t completely brainwashed. 

The pair of us walked briskly down the road. It was cold outside, and we still had to make a trip to the store. I felt someone brush past me, and I looked up to find OfJoseph rushing past. She had stayed at the square and probably got left behind by OfMatthew as a result. 

OfHenry and I passed OfMatthew and OfJoseph. OfJoseph was upset about something. They were discussing the Martha that had been executed. What connection did OfJoseph have to her? That wasn’t the Martha from the Waterford household. Rita was most likely with the Waterfords. 

Then chaos broke out. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw OfJoseph push OfMatthew up against the wall. Handmaids formed a circle around the girls. To protect them from the Guardians. It blocked my vision of the scene, but there was lots of shouting. A couple of the girls had to pull OfJoseph off of OfMatthew. 

OfHenry pulled me away from the scene. She was never one to get involved in the drama. I didn’t know what OfMatthew knew about OfJoseph. If it came down to the safety of my child though, I probably would’ve strangled OfMatthew too. 

\+  \+  +

The days wore on. Gena joined the blank faces in my nightmares. Mrs. Smith had the doctor stop by again because she was worried about me. The doctor explained that it was the new parent's anxiety. He prescribed warm baths to help me relax, short naps during the day, and a glass of warm milk before bed. He also suggested taking longer walks to help induce labor sooner. 

That was everyone’s question lately. “When’s the baby due?” I have no clue. This baby was coming whenever they wanted. “Oh, are you going into labor?” No, I just hit my elbow really on a shelf at the store. I was fine after a few minutes. “Are there any ways to induce labor sooner?” If you have some magical induction pills handy, Mrs. Smith would love to have them.

The Birth Mobile sounded for OfAndy’s baby first. Julia helped me down the stairs where OfHenry waited for me. She looked all too excited to go watch someone give birth. I thanked Julia before OfHenry helped me into the Birth Mobile. OfAndy’s birth would be the first birth I attended. I was in the Red Center for Serena’s, and Naomi Putnam and I weren’t close. OfHenry promised that she would show me the way. I tried to be excited for her. 

The other girls stared at me during the ride to the Allston household. I wrapped my arms around my belly because their gaze made me insecure. Thankfully, the van made a few more stops before arriving at the Allston household. No one asked any questions about my pregnancy.

OfHenry helped me up the stairs in the house. By the time we got to the top, I was out of breath. Perks of being almost full term. 

The house buzzed with Handmaids and Marthas. I heard the chatter of Wives from the living room. The Commanders were likely in Commander Allston’s office. There had been a false alarm earlier. Everyone was hopeful that the gathering would end with a new addition to the household. I removed my wings and cape and set them next to OfHenry’s things.

I looked around the room to identify the Handmaids present. 

OfJoseph, OfMatthew, OfEric, OfKyle, OfRobert, OfSamuel, and OfHoward were the girls I recognized. The others I longed to know their names and who they were before Gilead. 

The Handmaids started to file into the bedroom where OfAndy was laboring. Before I followed the others, I spotted Mrs. Allston in the living room. She wore a white dress and was laying in the middle of the floor. Her closest friends surrounded her, and together, they acted out labor. I pondered if I would’ve been among them instead of helping her Handmaid labor. I didn’t know which one I preferred. 

OfHenry spotted me and grabbed my arm.

“They don’t need us there. They’ll come in later,” she explained. “The Aunts said that OfAndy progressed which is good news. We can hopefully get out of here sooner.” OfHenry looked exhausted. I felt the same way. Pregnancy and Handmaid duties had me burning the candle at both ends. I can’t imagine how she felt. I hoped that I would get a break once the baby came. 

I followed OfHenry into the bedroom. Handmaids stood around the bed and chanted words of encouragement to OfAndy. I didn’t understand how it was helpful to be yelled at. OfHenry seemed happy to join in the ritual. It made me uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to help.

I mostly observed it with OfJoseph. We didn’t speak to each other. It was obvious that she was still upset with OfMatthew because of the way OfJoseph looked at OfMatthew. If there weren’t Aunts present, OfJoseph might have attacked OfMatthew. 

OfAndy progressed rather quickly. Within the hour, she was ready to push. The Aunts helped move her from the bed to the Birthing Chair. The Handmaids formed a new circle around the Birthing Chair. They continued their chants of encouragement. Mrs. Allston and her friends were called in for this stage. 

Mrs. Allston took her place behind OfAndy and pretended to push with OfAndy. She mimicked the pain OfAndy felt. In more than one way, this was wrong because OfAndy was doing all the work. I watched in confusion for a few minutes before OfHenry dragged me into the circle. 

The room was filled with “push”, “breathe”, and a mix of OfAndy’s and Mrs. Allston’s cries. There was a strange sense of unity and power as the Handmaids chanted together. It felt like we were providing strength for OfAndy to continue. I couldn’t wait to experience this in a couple of weeks.

“I can see the head!” An Aunt announced after a few minutes. Excitement charged the air. A child would be born soon. In our hearts, we prayed for the safe delivery of the child OfAndy had fought to bring into the world. The Handmaids grew louder in their chants. This was the hardest part of labor, and OfAndy needed all of the strength she could get. 

After a few more pushes, a Handmaid exclaimed, “Here she is!” Everyone moved to try and get a better look at the child. The girls around me chattered with excitement for the child. They each had questions about the child. Boy or girl? What would the name be? I remembered the rush of emotions when Beatrice and Saoirse were born. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Then silence fell on the room. I saw the slight shake of the Aunt’s head, and my heart stopped beating. My hand fell to my belly. The baby wasn’t crying. I couldn’t see very well, but it seemed like the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck. It didn’t connect for anyone else until Aunt Lydia turned to take the child away. 

Mrs. Allston flew into a fit of rage and grief. Tears sparked in my eyes. My friend, who had waited years and been through numerous Handmaids, didn’t get the child she so badly wanted. 

As much as I hurt for Mrs. Allston, she wasn’t the one I was most worried about. My eyes turned to OfAndy who sat in shock. I didn’t know her that well, but my heart broke for her. This child that she had fought for so badly had been taken too soon. 

Without a word, the Handmaids wrapped their arms around OfAndy. I joined the Handmaids in embracing her. I listened to her cry and prayed that we could provide her with the same strength we had earlier. She needed it now more than ever. 

No one said a word as we left the Allston house that night. There were no words to describe the pain that OfAndy felt. While I knew the pain of losing Beatrice and Saoirse, that didn’t come close to the pain of losing a child you never knew. I only hoped that God would provide comfort to OfAndy in her time of need. 

I turned my head towards the sky and pleaded for the protection of my children.  _ Please God, protect this child in my belly. I can’t bear to lose another child.  _


	6. happy birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s my duty to Gilead, isn’t it?” She said. Then she pointed at the muffin in front of me. “You need to eat and then go get some rest. In a few hours, there will be a dozen Handmaids, Wives, and Aunts coming to watch you give birth.” I shuddered at the thought.
> 
> “Don’t remind me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Guns, shooting, violence
> 
> This chapter is intense. Also please note that I have never given birth, so I don't know what that experience is like. I did my research and tried to replicate it. I used Janine's birth in season one as a reference if you would like to watch the scene and compare. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I do.

It began like every other day. OfHenry waited for me at the end of the driveway. Julia had sent me out with a long list of items needed from the store. The baby was coming soon. I could feel it. 

OfHenry and I talked about the weather. The snow was unexpected, but it was welcomed nonetheless. I asked if she had heard anything about OfAndy and how she was recovering. For once, things felt normal in Gilead. There wasn’t a cloud of impending doom hanging over my shoulder.

I closed my umbrella as OfHenry and I entered the store. When we passed the Guardians, I searched for Jonas’s face. I longed to see him. The snow made it difficult for him to climb in through my window. He wasn’t there today. 

I hid my disappointment as I followed OfHenry towards the meat. A few minutes later I noticed OfJoseph and OfMatthew entering the store. You could cut the tension with a knife. OfHoward pulled OfMatthew away, and Aunt Lydia called for OfJoseph. 

Hopefully OfJoseph didn’t try to attack OfMatthew today.

Instead it was OfMatthew who snapped. 

I turned at the sound of screams and noticed OfMatthew beating OfHoward with a can. I went to help OfHoward, but OfHenry pulled me away.

“You’re pregnant. You don’t need to get in the middle of that. Let the Guardians deal with her,” OfHenry warned. I knew that she was right, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the scene. 

OfMatthew, the girl everyone wanted to be, snapped. I looked at OfJoseph. What did she do to her? OfHenry told me that Aunt Lydia took everyone to the Red Center after OfAndy’s false alarm. She didn’t disclose what happened there. 

OfMatthew smashed a can against a Guardian’s face, and I panicked. What if that had been Jonas? I let out a scream and fought against OfHenry’s grip. I had to know if it was Jonas. I had to make sure. I couldn’t get a good look before OfHenry pulled me behind a counter.

“Get down!” She yelled. “Put your head down. OfMatthew pulled a gun from the Guardian’s body. You can’t get shot.” I looked at her in awe. OfHenry was willing to sacrifice herself for me. A former wife who bitched about her situation every chance she got. Maybe I had been wrong about her. 

I looked around the room. Perhaps there was a way we could move towards the exit. OfMatthew stood in the center of the room with a loaded gun. We were targets until we could make it behind the shelves. There was no escape.   
I watched OfMatthew turn the gun on Aunt Lydia. Part of me wanted her to pull the trigger. Aunt Lydia put the Handmaids through unnecessary punishments.

Then it was over before I could blink. Someone put a bullet through OfMatthew’s shoulder. Aunt Lydia was covered in her blood, and OfMatthew laid on the floor, bleeding out. My ears rang as I processed the scene. 

I watched two Guardians drag OfMatthew’s body out of the room. Her white bonnet laid on the floor covered in blood. My eyes remained glued to the bonnet as OfHenry forced me to stand. 

“We have to get out of here,” she whispered. I couldn’t answer her. I was too busy rewatching the scene in my head. I was picturing myself being shot and dragged out of the building like I was nothing. 

OfMatthew was pregnant. She was kind. She was loyal to Gilead. She snapped. No one escaped Gilead’s wrath.

\+ + +

My nightmares increased in number after OfMatthew was shot. The first time Aunt Lydia dragged us to the hospital to pray for OfMatthew’s baby was enough for me. None of the doctors cared that OfMatthew was brain dead. The Calhouns wanted the baby, and that was enough for the doctors. 

The part that scared me the most was the fact no one mourned OfMatthew. I wasn’t close to her, but it was traumatic to watch her get shot. No one else cried at the grocery store. Aunt Lydia didn’t even mention her on the ride home from the hospital.

It was difficult for me. Julia caught me one night in the kitchen sobbing. She didn’t understand what I was going through. She didn’t ask any questions. She wrapped her arms around me and held me until the sun came up. Then she led me to my bedroom and tucked me in. 

“Sleep for a few hours. I’ll let the mistress know that you don’t feel well,” she explained. Julia brushed my hair back and kissed my forehead. “Feel better.”

Julia helped make the nightmares go away. 

\+ + +

The cramps started later that night. The moon watched me walk the length of my bedroom. When a cramp hit, I stopped and breathed deeply. I assured myself that it was too early for the baby to come. It was just false labor because of the stress I had been under recently. I didn’t want to wake everyone up for something that might not be happening. 

When I was pregnant with the twins, the doctor told me that phantom contractions go away after eating. Maybe a snack would help me figure out the situation. I stepped out into the hallway and closed my bedroom door behind me. I listened for anyone who still might be awake. Once I confirmed that I was the only one up, I walked towards the kitchen.

The light was still on. Shit, did I miss hearing someone? As I rounded the corner, I saw Julia standing at the sink. The kitchen smelled like blueberry muffins. A pile of golden brown muffins sat neatly in a basket. 

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Julia asked as she turned around. She threw a dish towel over her shoulder. I shook my head. 

“No, I’m having trouble sleeping. Do you have anything that I can snack on? Maybe one of those muffins?” I replied. I bit my lip as another cramp hit. Julia could not know because she would call Aunt Lydia. Julia rolled her eyes and grabbed one of the muffins. She set it in front of the end chair. I took a seat and unwrapped the muffin.

“What’s keeping you up tonight?” She asked. I trusted Julia. She and I had grown closer during my time in the Smith household. 

“Promise me you won’t tell anyone?” I questioned. I felt like a teenager disclosing their crush.

Julia rolled her eyes and replied, “I promise.”

“I think I’m going into labor.” I saw the panic in Julia’s eyes and held up my hands. “I’m in the very early stages. That’s why I wanted to eat something just to make sure. I don’t want to make a fuss about it in the middle of the night.”

“But what if something goes wrong?” Julia worried. “What if something happens to the baby?"

“It will be fine. I promise,” I answered. “I’m actually really nervous to give birth. I know that I’ve done it before, but I’ve never done it in this situation. Part of me wants to keep the baby inside forever. I’ve seen what they do to women in this country, and I regret ever wanting it.” Julia sighed and looked at the muffin basket. 

“That’s why I made muffins at midnight. To let Beth know that I’ll help her get kids out. And if you’ll let me, I’ll even make sure that your little one will get out of here,” she explained. Tears pooled in my eyes. Julia was going to get my child out. My child, boy or girl, had a future outside of Gilead. They wouldn’t have to grow up here. 

“I would love for you to take care of them,” I whispered. A few tears fell down my cheek, and I was quick to brush them away. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for us, Julia. I’m so grateful for you.” Julia just smiled and shrugged off the compliment. I placed my hand on top of Julia’s and squeezed it. “I’m serious.”

“It’s my duty to Gilead, isn’t it?” She said. Then she pointed at the muffin in front of me. “You need to eat and then go get some rest. In a few hours, there will be a dozen Handmaids, Wives, and Aunts coming to watch you give birth.” I shuddered at the thought.

“Don’t remind me.”

\+ + +

For the past hour, my contractions were around five minutes apart and lasted for a minute. I waited because I needed confirmation that labor was actually happening. I hid in my room as I labored. As a woman, you tend to learn how to hide your pain early on. I didn’t want everyone here until I knew that I was ready. 

Around 10 AM, I decided to break the news to Mrs. Smith. She fainted in the kitchen, and Julia caught her to make sure she didn’t hit her head. When she regained consciousness, a dozen phone calls were made. Commander Smith was the first one home. While we weren’t close, he still gave me a hug and said a prayer for me. He prayed for the safe delivery of a healthy child. 

Julia helped me get dressed and made sure I was comfortable in Mrs. Smith's bedroom. She even braided my hair for me. I knew that was a lot of work to do. The few minutes that Julia took to help me made me feel a bit better.

“I know that you’re scared, but you are strong. You got this,” Julia reminded me. Her comfort made me smile. Julia brushed my hair back and pressed a quick kiss to my cheek. “Good luck.” Then she scurried downstairs to greet the guests.

OfHenry was the first girl to arrive. Even though we weren’t close, I was happy to see her face. “How are you feeling?” She asked quietly. I could hear more people arrive downstairs. Tears filled my eyes. I didn’t want them here. I didn’t want this. 

“I’m more nervous than anything. I’ve done this before, but never like this,” I replied. “Can I ask you something?” OfHenry nodded. “What’s your name? Like your actual name. After watching OfMatthew get shot, I realized that I hardly knew anyone’s names. I’d love to know yours.” OfHenry looked away for a moment. Part of me wondered if she remembered her name.

“My name is Adela,” she replied. “My mother is from France. She always liked the name. She taught French history at a local college.” It was a nice distraction to learn more about my walking partner. 

“Well, Adela, my name is Athena. It is lovely to meet you properly,” I answered. Adela grinned at me. She was my first real friend. I appreciated having her by my side. 

Handmaids started to fill the room. Aunt Lydia and Aunt Elizabeth weren’t too far behind them. Aunt Lydia approached the bed while Aunt Elizabeth barked orders.

“We are so excited for you dear,” Aunt Lydia said. “What a blessed day this is for you. You get to bring one of God’s children into the world today.” Instead of responding to her, I gripped Adela’s hand and worked through a contraction. Today, I would let Aunt Lydia’s words slide.

\+ + +

After a few hours of intense contractions and Handmaids shouting at me to breathe, I was finally ready to push. I felt exhausted. The nightmares kept me awake for the past week, and I didn’t have anything to eat other than the muffin earlier. If I wasn’t so close to being to the finish line, I would have asked for a break.

Adela and OfKyle helped me into the chair. Aunt Lydia made eye contact with me. “It’s time to push, dear,” she informed me as if I wasn’t the one giving birth. She turned to the other girls and encouraged them to motivate me. Mrs. Smith and her posse arrived. Two of the Wives helped her onto the chair behind me. I tried my best to listen to the Handmaid's chant instead of Mrs. Smith’s groans. 

I focused all of my energy into pushing this child out of my body. I squeezed Adela’s hand as I cried out in pain. I took a few quick breaths before I started to push again. Tears streamed down my cheeks as the pain became too much to bear. I pushed with all of my might. I just had to get the baby here. I was so close.

“She’s crowning!” I heard someone say. I shouted again. I was probably breaking Adela’s hand with how hard I was squeezing it. I didn’t care anymore. My child was almost here. After a few more pushes, the cries of a baby filled the room. Relief washed over me as I watched Aunt Elizabeth lay the child on a clean white blanket.

“A healthy baby girl,” Aunt Lydia announced proudly. I beamed with pride. I was the mother of three girls. Aunt Elizabeth cut the umbilical cord of the baby and wrapped her up in a blanket. All the Handmaids gathered close to get a better look at the newborn. Aunt Lydia sang praises, but I didn’t care what Aunt Lydia thought. She was perfect, and I loved her already. 

I watched Aunt Lydia pick up the baby and walk towards the bed. My heart fell on the floor as I was reminded that she wasn’t my baby. I began to cry as Aunt Lydia handed my baby to Mrs. Smith. 

Adela wrapped her arms around me in comfort. The other Handmaids tried to pull my attention away from the scene. Aunt Elizabeth even wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek. Her way of showing that I did well. That I had succeeded in my mission.

“What’s her name?” A Wife asked.

“Surely you and John picked the perfect name for her,” another Wife added.

Mrs. Smith smiled at them. I watched for a moment, trying to meet Mrs. Smith’s eyes. Mrs. Smith and I picked a name together. I waited for her to tell them that the baby’s name was Dorothea. It never came.

“Her name is Evelyn,” Mrs. Smith announced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. 
> 
> Questions for you to think on:  
> What would you do in Athena's situation? Would you be upset? Would you try to run like OfFred did? Would you keep your head down so you don't get shot like OfMatthew? 
> 
> Always remember that Gilead never keeps their promises.


	7. daughters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mrs. Smith spent the last three days with her friends at the house. Everyone was overjoyed with the birth of a healthy child. Handmaids tagged along and tried to provide me with comfort. Nothing helped.
> 
> The more time Mrs. Smith spent with Dorothea, the more I felt disconnected from my baby. Of the three days in her life, I have probably spent six or so hours with Dorothea. Mrs. Smith insisted that I only saw the baby when she needed to be fed. It hurt. She was my daughter, and I was losing her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning: mention of suicide
> 
> This chapter is a bit longer than the others, but there is a lot of information to be known. If you have watched Handmaid's Tale, pay attention because there are some character mentions in here. I am so grateful that almost 200 people have clicked on this story of mine. It blows my mind that people want to read my work. Thank you so so much!

Dorothea Maeve Brightly.

That was my daughter’s name. After my sister, Dorothea, and Jonas’s mother, Maeve.

Not Evelyn Marie Smith. She was not Mrs. Smith’s daughter. She never was going to be. 

After everyone left, I had no energy to fight or scream. I wanted to yell so badly. I wanted to stab Mrs. Smith or throw her down the stairs, but I was drained. I could hardly stand, let alone walk. There was no way I could put up a fight with Mrs. Smith. 

Thankfully, the Aunts wrestled the baby away from the Wives. The Aunts explained that the baby had to attempt to breastfeed. It was necessary to help my milk come in as the Aunts told me. 

For fifteen minutes, it was me, Dorothea, and Aunt Lydia. Mrs. Smith was downstairs saying goodbye to her friends. Aunt Elizabeth was loading the Handmaids into vans. It was pure bliss. 

Then Mrs. Smith came in and took the baby to meet Commander Smith for the first time. Aunt Lydia praised me once again for a healthy child and left with the last of the Handmaids. After a few minutes, Julia came in to help me get clean. 

And there we were. Julia sat in a chair at the edge of the tub. I sat in lukewarm bathwater. Julia claimed that she had to be there to help. I knew that Mrs. Smith asked her to watch me. A lot of Handmaids suffer from postpartum depression. I understood why now. 

“I’m not going to jump out the window,” I said gently. “Or drown myself in the tub. It’s not like anyone would care anyway.” Julia closed her eyes for a moment and gathered herself. 

“I know that you won’t kill yourself. I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. I care about you,” Julia explained. She glanced at the door for a moment. She was looking for anyone who might be listening. “I know that Mrs. Smith didn’t keep her promise; however, you can’t hurt her for a few weeks. If you want any chance to get your baby out, we have to be careful.” 

I leaned back in the tub as I thought about what Julia said. She was right. If I acted out, we might lose our chance to get Dorothea out of Gilead. 

“Come on. Let’s get you dressed,” Julia said. She reached over and unplugged the tub. Julia helped me out of the tub and wrapped me in a warm towel. “I made a grand meal for the birth. There’s plenty of leftovers if you’re hungry.” 

The thought of food made me nauseous, but I knew that I had to eat. Dorothea was going to need to be fed eventually.

Julia helped me into my bedroom. A new red dress was laid out on my bed. Most likely from the Aunts. While the Smiths were grateful for their child, they wouldn’t have thought to get me a gift. 

“I’ll help you put it on,” a voice called. I looked around because it wasn’t Julia. A figure stepped out of the shadows. It didn’t take me long to realize who it was. I would recognize that smile anywhere. 

“Finn,” I whispered.

“I’ll go heat you up some food. Come down when you’re ready,” Julia said. Then she slipped out the door and shut it behind her. Finn stepped closer and looked me over. 

“You look so beautiful,” he muttered. I shook my head in denial. I had just given birth. I was wrapped in a towel. Everything ached. How did he see the beauty in me?

“I just gave birth. Everything hurts. I’ve only seen my baby for fifteen minutes. This is nothing like what it was supposed to be. I don’t feel beautiful. How are you even here? There were people all over this house today,” I questioned. 

“Commander Smith invited me to be a part of his group for today. Julia hid me up here so I could see you. Even if it’s only for a few minutes, it’s worth it,” Finn said. “I saw the baby. She’s gorgeous. She looks just like Jonas. Dark hair and all.” I was elated to hear that Finn got to see the baby. Our baby. 

“Her name is Dorothea. I want to call her Dottie,” I told him. Finn smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead.

“It’s perfect. She’s perfect. I wish Jonas was here to see her. To see you. He’s going to be so in love with her,” he sighed. The thought of Jonas being here brought tears to my eyes. 

I could picture Jonas sitting in the nursery with Dottie against his chest. Jonas tended to put up a tough facade, but I knew that Dottie would melt it right away. She was daddy’s little girl, and Jonas didn’t even know her yet. 

\+ + +

It had been three days since Dorothea was born, and Jonas still had not come to see her. Where was he? Why didn't he want to come to meet his daughter? Was he scared? Was he busy? 

I tried to come up with excuses for why Jonas wasn’t here. I never found any of them comforting. I felt isolated in the house. This was not how it was supposed to be. 

Mrs. Smith spent the last three days with her friends at the house. Everyone was overjoyed with the birth of a healthy child. Handmaids tagged along and tried to provide me with comfort. Nothing helped.

The more time Mrs. Smith spent with Dorothea, the more I felt disconnected from my baby. Of the three days in her life, I have probably spent six or so hours with Dorothea. Mrs. Smith insisted that I only saw the baby when she needed to be fed. It hurt. She was my daughter, and I was losing her. 

Today was similar to the past three days. Mrs. Smith entertained her company downstairs, and I hid in my room. I didn’t have the energy to watch her pass my baby around. I didn’t want to listen to the Handmaids offer their sympathy. 

Not long after the sun set, a knock came on the door. “Athena?” A voice called. I got off the bed and walked towards the door. Maybe it was Jonas. He was finally here to see our baby. We finally got to be a family. I opened the door and only saw Julia standing behind it.

“Oh,” I said. Jonas had once again disappointed me.

“I know I’m not Jonas. I don’t know where he is, but I’m sure he will be by soon,” Julia assured me. “In the meantime, Mrs. Smith wants you downstairs for dinner. She and the Commander have guests over.” I nodded and smoothed my dress over. 

“Do I look okay?” I asked. 

Julia stepped closer and tucked a piece of hair into my white cap. “There. You look perfect,” she whispered with a smile. I studied her for a moment. I took in her green eyes and the way she made everything better. Julia turned and started down the stairs. “Come on, you don’t want to be late,” she called. 

I watched her descend down the stairs with a smile on my face. As I followed her downstairs, I could hear chatter in the living room. Mrs. Smith, the Commander, and others that I couldn’t quite identify. Some of the voices almost sounded like children.

Julia led me into the dining room. The table was set for eight. It was the fancy china that sat on the top shelf of the china cabinet. Mrs. Smith told me once that it was her grandmother’s. It must have been a special occasion. Or Mrs. Smith was attempting to impress the company.

“They’re in the living room. I’ll let the mistress know you’re waiting,” Julia explained. I nodded and moved towards the window. Outside, there was a larger presence of Guardians. I counted almost ten Guardians walking up and down the sidewalk. Whoever was here was important.

“OfJohn,” the Commander called and snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned and looked at Commander Smith. He was accompanied by Finn and a Commander that I didn’t recognize. Mrs. Smith and the unknown Commander’s wife stood behind them. Then I spotted them.

There were two little girls dressed in pink standing behind the wives. It wasn’t hard to miss them. Beatrice and Saoirse. My heart pounded out of my chest. Why was my family here? Who were these strangers?

“This is High Commander Winslow and his wife Mrs. Winslow. They’re here from DC. I’m certain you know Commander Avery and his two daughters,” Commander Smith introduced the company. 

All my manners went out the window. My daughters and I were in the same room. While I saw them in the street, that didn’t compare to being in the same room as them. 

“OfJohn, Commander Smith tells me that you gave birth to a healthy girl three days ago. Is that why I haven’t seen you at any of the inspections?” Commander Winslow inquired. After a few moments, I turned my eyes to the Commander. 

“Yes sir. I am grateful that God found me worthy to carry a healthy child,” I replied. 

“Commander Avery has also informed me that you gave birth to his two daughters. A generous blessing from God I must say,” Commander Winslow remarked. I nodded and looked back at my two girls.

“Yes sir. I am exceedingly blessed by God for all he has given me,” I answered. Commander Winslow nodded and glanced at the Commanders at his side. 

“Gentlemen, what a lovely Handmaid. She would do well in DC. There are many Commanders who are seeking healthy children,” High Commander Winslow told the men. Finn and I met each other’s eyes for a moment. DC? That was what this was about?

I cannot go to DC. This was where my family was. Something needed to be done to stop the transfer. 

“Actually, Commander. I heard that she is highly sought after Handmaid in this district. In fact, Commander Webber is her next assignment. She will be assigned to his household after she is ready to return, of course,” Finn cut in. My heart stopped pounding for a second. Perhaps Finn had saved me. 

“Of course, Commander. I wouldn’t want to take away from the families in this district,” Commander Winslow answered. Then Julia stepped into the room with plates full of food.

“Gentlemen, it appears that dinner is ready. Shall we sit down and continue the conversation after dinner?” Mrs. Smith asked. High Commander Winslow looked at me once more before he nodded. 

“Of course, Mrs. Smith. This looks delicious.”

\+ + +

“What a lovely meal, dear,” Commander Smith told Mrs. Smith. “The other Commanders and I will continue our discussion in my office. I’m certain that Mrs. Winslow and the Avery girls would love to meet Evelyn.” Then the three men stood up and left the room. 

“OfJohn, will you help Julia clean up dinner? Then you can come to join us in the living room. I’m sure that Evelyn is hungry,” Mrs. Smith said. “I’ll go see if she’s awake.” Mrs. Winslow followed Mrs. Smith out of the dining room. The twins lingered in the dining room with me.

I glanced at the door. I had to make sure this wasn’t a trap. Then I crossed the room and wrapped my arms around them. They happily hugged me in return. Beatrice placed her hands on my face and looked me directly in my eyes. 

“You had the baby?” She asked. I smiled and nodded. 

“Yes, I had the baby. You two are the proud big sisters to a baby sister. Her name is Dorothea after Auntie Iris. You girls remember her, right?” I asked. They both grinned and nodded. I felt relieved that they were here. I was grateful that I got to spend some time with them. For once, I actually felt happy. “Want to help me clear the table? Then I’ll take you to meet your baby sister.”

Saoirse turned and started to stack the plates. Beatrice collected the silverware. I watched them for a moment. They had always worked as a team. However, they seemed quieter now. Like turning ten had done something to them. With everything they’ve been through in the past six months, I shouldn’t be surprised they changed. 

I gathered the plates and silverware that Saoirse and Beatrice couldn’t carry. I followed them into the kitchen. Julia was watching something out the window. She didn’t notice us until a fork fell out of Beatrice’s hand. 

“Oh goodness,” Julia said. “You startled me.” Beatrice bent down to pick up the fork and handed it to Julia. 

“I didn’t mean to drop the silverware. It sort of slipped out of my hand,” she apologized.

“Oh my dear, you’re quite all right. It seems that your mother taught you well,” Julia praised Beatrice. I beamed with pride. “And look at you, carrying almost all of the plates in from the dining room. Very impressive,” Julia told Saoirse. Both girls smiled and set their dishes in the sink. 

Julia watched the girls for a moment before returning her gaze to the window. Did the extra Guardians make her weary? Something was off. I needed a moment alone with her, but the twins were hanging around. I set my dishes in the sink before I turned to the girls. 

“Girls, why don’t you go grab the glasses? We will join the others after you return,” I told the twins. They nodded and scurried out of the room. I turned to look at Julia. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Julia seemed distant. Her mind was somewhere else. Her eyes were glued to the window. “We can’t get medicine for Mrs. Lawrence. There are Guardians everywhere. These Commanders from DC are here. They’re threatening to take you away. Beth mentioned a plane when we spoke at the store, but it’s very risky. Her Handmaid is going for the confirmation soon. It feels like everything is on thin ice,” she explained in a hushed tone. 

I understood her fears as well as she understood mine. I stepped closer to Julia. Then I placed my hand on Julia’s chin and gently turned her to look at me. I met her eyes. I saw her fear and worry. I tried my best to understand how she felt. 

“It’s going to be okay,” I whispered. “I know that it’s scary. You know that it’s scary. We just have to trust that Mayday knows what they’re doing. I promise you that you will be the one leaving me.” I watched her eyes dip down and back up. My heart pounded because I didn’t know what was going to happen next.

Unfortunately, the sound of clinking glasses and giggles interrupted our moment. I took a step away from Julia, and I smoothed the skirt of my dress. Beatrice and Saoirse rounded the corner into the kitchen and set the last of the dishes in the sink. 

“Well done, girls,” I praised. I glanced at Julia again before I took Beatrice and Saoirse by the hand. “Let’s go meet your sister.”

\+ + +

Dorothea wasn’t awake when I took the girls into the living room. The Wives took turns asking Beatrice and Saoirse about school and life at home. Mrs. Winslow disclosed that she had a daughter around their age. A girl named Polly. 

After a half-hour, Julia came in to let me know that Dorothea was awake. She needed to be fed and needed a diaper change. I stood and glanced at Mrs. Smith. With a nod of her head, I held my hands out to Beatrice and Saoirse. Together, we went upstairs to the nursery. 

Dottie was not pleased that she had to wait for me. When I pushed open the door, she was crying. Why didn’t Julia come to get me sooner? Why hadn’t I heard her? I reached into the crib and gently picked her up. I leaned her against my shoulder and tried to calm her down. 

“Come here, sweet girl,” I whispered. “It’s alright. Mama’s here now.” I bounced her gently and rubbed her back. It had been a long time since I dealt with the newborn stage. I felt like a new parent all over again.

Beatrice and Saoirse explored the room while I calmed Dorothea and changed her. After Dorothea was content, I sat down in the rocking chair. The twins eagerly crept closer to get a better look at the new baby. 

“Dottie, this is your big sister, Beatrice, and your big sister, Saorise,” I introduced them. I laid her on my legs, so the girls could get a good look at her. 

“She looks a lot like Papa and you,” Beatrice commented. She held her hand out for Dottie to grab.

Well, I hope she looked like Jonas and I. We sort of made her. 

“Hmm, I think she looks like us,” Saoirse added.

Once again, you are siblings. I hope you look alike. 

“No, she’s got dark hair. We have brown hair like Mama,” Beatrice rebutted.

“Yeah, but she has green eyes like us,” Saoirse replied. 

Oh boy. Ten was the argumentative age. Part of me didn’t miss this. 

“Well, she’s a part of our family, so she’s going to look a bit like everyone,” I added gently. “Now, girls, I need you to remember that in this house, her name is Evelyn. You can call her Evie, but you only call her Dottie when we are alone, okay?”

Beatrice and Saoirse looked confused. I could hear the questions inside their heads. Why did she have two names? What would happen if they called her the wrong name? I felt bad about confusing them, but Mrs. Smith should have kept her promise. 

“Okay,” Saorise answered.

“Okay,” Beatrice echoed in a sad tone. 

Saoirse and Beatrice started to tell Dorothea about themselves. They talked about school and their friends. They talked about Finn, Jonas, and Gena. They talked about my friends who I was surprised to hear still came to visit. 

“Mama,” Saoirse targeted her next question. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course, sweetheart. What is it?” I asked.

“Do you love Julia?” She blurted out. I blushed for a moment as I thought about my answer. Before I could answer, Saoirse added on, “Like you love Dad and Papa.” 

I had never thought about Julia like that. We were close friends, but were we developing into something more? Did my children see something that I didn’t? “Uh, I don’t think so. Julia and I are very close friends. She has been a big support for me recently. Why do you ask that?” I asked. 

“You two were standing very close in the kitchen,” Beatrice commented. “I thought you were going to kiss her like you kiss Dad. Saoirse and I saw you two when we came back with the cups. You had your hand on her cheek and everything.” I turned a darker shade because I thought that Julia wanted to kiss me. Julia and I needed to have a conversation later. 

“Uh, I don’t think I will kiss her like Dad quite yet. I should probably talk to Dad about it before I do,” I explained. 

Beatrice shrugged and looked at me again. “I think he would understand,” she said. 

Great, I was taking relationship advice from my ten-year-old daughter.

I didn’t answer Beatrice because I was overthinking the situation. The room fell into silence as the girls watched Dorothea wiggle on my lap. 

A few minutes later, Dorothea started to fuss and squirm on my lap. Clear signs of “feed me”. I sighed and looked at Beatrice and Saoirse. I didn’t want them to leave yet. I wanted them to stay forever, but I couldn’t protect them anymore.

“Okay girls, I have to feed Dottie now. Do you think you can find your way back downstairs?” I asked. 

“Don’t worry, Mama. I know the way,” Saoirse said proudly. 

“Good. Take your sister’s hand and make sure she knows the way too,” I said gently. “I love you both so very much. I miss you every day. Give Dad and Papa a big hug for me tonight, okay?” I had to tell them everything now. Downstairs, I was in Mrs. Smith’s domain. I only spoke when spoken to. 

Beatrice and Saoirse nodded. They each pressed a kiss to my cheek and a kiss to Dorothea’s forehead. Then my time with my daughters was spent. I prayed that I would see them again soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, Julia listens to girl in red. so should you.
> 
> I never really gave character descriptions because I wanted everyone to come up with their own image. What do think the characters look like? What do you think of Athena's developing relationship with Julia? What do you think happened to Jonas? Do you think that Finn can convince the Commanders to keep Athena in the district?
> 
> I love hearing your guys' thoughts and feedback. It helps me as a writer so much.
> 
> I love you all!! Thanks for reading.


	8. cherries and peaches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I woke up in the morning, there was an empty space in my bed. I could’ve sworn that Jonas was there last night. I rubbed my eyes and looked around the room. I spotted Jonas leaned against the window. While it seemed romantic, the look on his face told me everything. He was fully dressed in his Guardian uniform. 
> 
> Someone was here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen to HIM by Sam Smith and she by Dodie Clark while reading this chapter. that's all I have to say.

+ _Finn_ +

It was late. I was exhausted. Commander Winslow asked so many questions and wanted to discuss many things, but I had to get the girls home. They had school in the morning, and I didn’t want to keep them out any longer. I gathered the girls and their things. I bid the Smiths goodnight and led the girls to the car. 

An unknown Guardian was driving us tonight. Jonas had a meeting with the council. He didn’t tell me what the meeting was about, so it couldn’t be anything good. Everytime the council wanted to talk to Jonas I feared that he wouldn’t come back home.

I helped Saoirse and Beatrice into the car and climbed into the front seat.

“Have a good night, sir?” The Guardian asked me as he started the car. I glanced at the Smith house. I only saw Dorothea and Athena for a moment. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

“Yes, it was lovely,” I replied with a forced smile. “Let’s head home. It’s very late and the girls have school tomorrow.” The Guardian nodded and set off towards our house. 

Beatrice fell asleep on the car ride home. The Guardian offered to carry Beatrice inside, and I hesitated. I didn’t know if I could trust him. He looked young. Maybe nineteen or twenty. He was probably innocent in all of this. I still didn’t trust him to come inside. 

“I’ve got her. Thank you for driving us home tonight,” I assured the Guardian. The Guardian nodded and returned to the driver’s side of the car. I gently picked Beatrice up and adjusted her on my shoulder. Saoirse walked ahead of me and held open the doors for me. “Thank you sweetheart,” I praised her.

Saoirse smiled and walked towards her room. I carried Beatrice to her room and laid her on her bed. I gently took off her shoes and closed Beatrice’s blinds. Then I tucked her into bed and pressed a kiss to her forehead. I left the room as quietly as possible and shut the door behind me.

I glanced down the hall to Saoirse’s room. Her light was still on. I glanced towards the stairs, thinking about my warm bed. Instead, something pulled me towards Saoirse’s room.

I knocked on her door. “Saoirse?” I called into the room. I pushed the door open. She was sitting on the edge of her bed with her hands in her lap. “Is everything okay?”

She didn’t look at me. I stepped into the room and knelt next to her bed. “Talk to me, sweetheart. What’s wrong?” I whispered. Saoirse looked at me with tears in her eyes.

“Is Papa going to die?” She asked quietly.

“What do you mean, sweetheart? Papa’s okay. He just had a meeting tonight,” I explained. 

“Well, I heard you and Papa the other night. You two were talking about the baby. About how the council knows that the baby isn’t yours. That’s why Mama can’t live with us anymore,” she replied. “Why does the council want to punish us? The Commander mentioned tonight that he wanted Mama to move to DC.” My heart broke. Saoirse understood a lot more than I thought. 

“Baby girl, things are so complicated. The council doesn’t understand Mama, Papa, and I’s love. Even though Papa is Dottie’s real dad, she is my daughter, and she is your sister,” I interpreted for Saoirse. “And I’m going to fight for Mama because they can’t take her away from us.” She bit her lip and fiddled with her hands.

“I just don’t want Papa to die because you and Mama love him,” she mumbled. 

“I don’t want Papa to die either,” I answered. “That’s why I’m going to do my best to protect him. You have nothing to worry about, okay?” 

“Okay,” she sighed. 

“I love you, sweetheart. Get some sleep,” I said. I pulled her into a hug, and she hugged me back. This was the closest I’ve felt to her in awhile. I leaned over and pressed a kiss to the side of her head.

Saoirse pulled back from the hug and pressed a kiss to my cheek. “I love you too, Dad,” she replied. I smiled and stood to leave. I closed the bedroom door behind me, and I climbed the stairs to my bedroom.

It was nice to have a conversation with Saoirse. I truly didn’t know how they felt during all of this. The twins lost their mother, and I lost my wife. I had pushed the twins away because everytime I looked at them, I saw Athena. I turned all of my energy into work and tried to protect Athena. I left all the care to Gena when I should’ve been taking care of my children. I owed them an apology.

I climbed the stairs to my bedroom. I was exhausted. I undid my tie and pushed open my bedroom door. I pushed the door shut with my foot when I saw Jonas waiting on the edge of my bed. He looked anxious. I was afraid of what Jonas was going to tell me. 

Jonas stood up and crossed the room. Without a word, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I hugged him in return and pressed my nose against his neck. He smelled like home. He was my biggest comfort during these times. He was the reason that Beatrice and Saoirse weren’t orphans. 

“How was dinner at the Smiths?” Jonas asked after a few moments. “Did you see Athena and the baby?” I met Jonas’s eyes and felt like crying. “It’s not good, is it?” I shook my head and led Jonas towards the bed. I couldn’t stand while I had this conversation.

“I only saw Athena during dinner. I saw the baby for maybe a second. It wasn’t much. The Commander from DC wants Athena to be transferred to DC,” I explained. Jonas’s face changed from happiness to anger.

“You can’t let them take her,” he answered. 

“I know,” I started. “I’m going to talk to Commander Webber tomorrow and see if they would be interested in taking Athena. They were looking into the Lawrences’ Handmaid, but Athena will be ready sooner than her. It’s our best chance of keeping her in the district.” 

“No, she cannot go to another household. It’s draining her. You told me that when you saw her after the birth. She has to come home with the baby,” Jonas protested.

“Jonas, I know, but I only have so much power. I had to fight just to keep her in the district. I don’t know how I can bring her home. You know that I’m trying my best,” I pointed out.

“Well, clearly your best isn’t enough,” Jonas mumbled. 

“You and I both know that they won’t let me have the baby because she isn’t my baby. If you admit to being the father to Dorothea, they could put you on the wall. Jonas, I’m already hanging on by a thread. I cannot lose you too,” I shouted. Jonas stood up and walked towards the door. Even though his hand was on the doorknob, something made him stop. I didn’t know what he was thinking about. 

After a few minutes of silence, I crossed the room to take Jonas’s hand. I leaned my head against his shoulder and let my silent tears fall. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. I’m just stressed about the whole situation,” I sighed. “We all have suffered the consequences for loving each other. Our loyalty has protected us, but it won’t protect us this time.”

After a few more moments, Jonas whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I answered. We stood in silence for a few more minutes. “Will you spend the night?” I asked gently. It was a risky move because of everyone watching us, but we needed each other tonight. Jonas met my eyes and nodded. I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. Jonas placed one hand on my face and pulled me deeper into the kiss. I allowed myself to get lost in his touch.

Jonas pulled away first. He brushed my hair out of my eyes, and I smiled. I took him by the hand and led him to my wardrobe. I pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants for him. Then I pulled out a set for me. 

“Let’s shower together. Like in the old times,” I said teasingly. Jonas simply smiled.

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

+ + +

When I woke up in the morning, there was an empty space in my bed. I could’ve sworn that Jonas was there last night. I rubbed my eyes and looked around the room. I spotted Jonas leaned against the window. While it seemed romantic, the look on his face told me everything. He was fully dressed in his Guardian uniform. 

_ Someone was here.  _

I climbed out of bed and joined Jonas at the window.

“What’s happening?” I asked quickly. I counted three SUVS and possibly fifteen Guardians. Six Commanders were huddled together, speaking with some of the Guardians. Gilead had finally come for me and Jonas. 

“I don’t know, but it must be urgent if they’re here early. They might be fearing retaliation. There have been reports of higher rebellion activity in the area. They want to be safe,” Jonas replied. I crossed to my wardrobe while Jonas stayed at the window. My mind was racing at a million miles per hour.

“Do you think it has anything to do with your meeting yesterday?” I asked. I picked out an outfit that made me feel like I was going to my funeral. This was why the Guardians and Commanders were here right?

“I don’t know. They asked me about you. How you were handling the loss of Athena. How the girls were doing after losing their mother,” Jonas told me. I attempted to button up my shirt, but my hands were shaking too badly. Jonas noticed that I was struggling and turned to help me. 

“Thank you,” I said gently. “I’m just nervous because of what happened last time.” He placed his hands on mine and squeezed them gently. Jonas understood my fears. He picked out a tie and started to tie the knot. He met my eyes for a moment and glanced back down to the tie. 

“We’ve been good. Unless they know that I spent the night in your room, we should be fine,” Jonas tried to calm me. It didn’t help. I finished getting ready before I rushed down the stairs. Jonas was close behind me.

As I stepped onto the main floor, I looked for the normal moments in my life. I could smell the eggs that Gena was making for breakfast. Saoirse was in the kitchen, helping Gena as best as she could. Beatrice sat in the dining room, waiting for me to braid her hair. These things helped distract me from the impending doom that waited outside.

Jonas adjusted his uniform to make sure it was perfect. I tried my best to memorize every inch of him. From the first moment he introduced himself to our first kiss, he was perfect. I would die before someone took him away from me. I used to say the same thing about Athena.

Then a knock came at the door. I hesitated answering it because everything changed once I opened it. I glanced at Jonas, and he nodded. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

“Commander Avery, we’d like to talk.”

+ _Athena_ +

After Finn and the twins left, all was quiet in the house. Mrs. Smith went upstairs to put Dorothea to sleep, and the Commander disappeared into his office. It was just me and Julia in the kitchen, finishing up the dishes from dinner. 

“Did you hear the Commanders say anything else?” Julia asked as she scrubbed a plate clean. “I just need to know so I can update Beth. We always need the most recent information.” Julia handed me the plate, and I dried it off and set it aside to be put away. 

“However, the twins are convinced that you and I are dating,” I responded. Julia flushed red as she handed me another plate to dry. 

“What made them think that we are dating?” Julia asked. 

“Earlier when you were stressed and I was comforting you, they saw us. They asked me if I was going to kiss you like I kiss Papa and Dad,” I answered her. “I told the girls that we were friends.” I opened a cupboard and placed the plates inside the cabinet.

“What if we could be more than friends?” Julia whispered. I almost dropped the plates in my hand when I heard her. I looked at her.

“What did you say?” I asked. I wasn’t sure if I heard her correctly.

Julia shook her head and turned her focus back to the dishes. “It doesn’t matter what I said,” she mumbled. I set the plates on the counter and stepped close to Julia. I placed my hand on her chin and turned her head to me.

“No, you matter. I just wasn’t sure if I heard you correctly,” I explained. “What did you say?” Julia blushed and tugged her bottom lip between her teeth. 

She shyly met my eyes and said, “What if we could be more than friends?” There it was again. Those words made my heart pound, and it made me uncertain. Looking into her eyes made me forget that we were in Gilead. What if I had met Julia before? Would things between us still be the same? My hesitation to answer made Julia uncomfortable. “I mean if you don’t want to, we don’t-” 

I met her lips before she could finish her sentence. It was sweet. Her lips were soft, and she tasted like apple juice and peach. I felt her kiss back, and it felt like time stopped for us. Part of me wanted to live in that moment forever. The other part of me knew that Mrs. Smith could come into the kitchen at any moment. 

I pulled away and held her head in my hands. I looked at her for a moment. With her eyes closed, she looked so peaceful and happy in that moment. I couldn’t believe that she wanted me to kiss her. I brushed her hair back and smiled when she opened her eyes. 

“Your lips taste like cherries,” Julia whispered. I smiled and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. 

When I pulled away, I replied, “You taste like peaches with a hint of apple juice.” Her ears turned pink as her face flushed. My stomach filled with butterflies as I looked at her. Was this what falling in love felt like? I hadn’t felt it in so long. 

“We can never be together,” Julia mumbled. I sighed and took her hand in my hand. I knew that she was right. I had already striked out in Gilead. Gilead knew me and my family’s every move. There was no way that I could risk Julia’s life. She was going to get out with Dorothea and find someone else in Canada. 

“I know,” I answered. “But you are going to be free to love whoever you want soon. There’s some girl out there waiting for you to come into her life. I wish we could’ve met in a different time.” Julia looked disappointed by my words, but she had to know that I was right. Right? 

“Thank you for your help tonight. You’re dismissed for the night,” Julia muttered. She let go of my hand and turned back to the dishes. I nodded and muttered a quick goodnight before I slipped off to my room. 

I had most certainly said the wrong thing, and I couldn’t fix it. I wish I had the power to go back in time and fix things. Maybe Julia and I’s situation would be different. I also shouldn’t have kissed her. Not without talking to Jonas and Finn first. But Beatrice did suggest that they would understand.

_ No Athena, you can’t be taking relationship advice from your child. You made a mistake, and you need to talk to them about it. _

I wondered if this was how Finn felt when he first fell for Jonas. Finn was torn into two because he didn’t know if he should stay loyal to his faith or love Jonas. Finn chose to love Jonas first and ask forgiveness later. 

+ _Finn Flashback_ _+_

_ About two years before Sons of Jacob take over the United States. _

I walked into the chapel. The room was silent. I had walked here from my meeting. I told Jonas to go home even though he offered to drive me. This was something that I had to do on my own. I slowly approached the front of the chapel and took a seat in the third pew. 

I looked to the altar that sat at the front of the room. My heart broke as I thought about what I was here for. 

“Holy Father, we need to talk,” I started. Tears filled my eyes, and I fought to keep them from falling. “I know that I’m not the person you thought I was. But God, I know that you are merciful and kind. The path I’ve chosen to follow is one that the church doesn’t approve of. One that the Sons of Jacob will murder me for.” I choked on my tears. I gathered my thoughts for a moment. 

“It is Jonas,” I whispered. “I love him. I can’t be without him. He completes me. He completes Athena. He is a part of our family.” 

Flashes of Jonas’s smile and laughter passed through my mind. Pictures of Jonas holding the twins and kissing Athena were burned into my memory forever. I will always remember the way I felt when we kissed for the first time. The way that my heart still pounded every time he looked at me. Even the way he sang while he drove, it made me fall harder for him. 

“Please forgive me. I won’t be without him,” I pleaded. “I know that you are understanding. You love everyone. You ask us to love everyone. I don’t understand why the church sees it as a horrible sin. It is who I am. We are created in your image. Holy Father, please judge me. I’m not afraid of the consequences anymore. I love him so much.” 

I leaned against the pew in front of me and sobbed. I prayed that God heard me. I prayed that he understood why I was telling him. I asked that he would protect my family even if I had to suffer the consequences. After what felt like eternity, I climbed to my feet and wiped away my tears. I looked at the altar once more before I turned to leave. 

Before I reached the door, a hand touched my shoulder. I turned to look at the person. It was a priest. I pondered how long he had been standing there. 

“I don’t know what you’re going through right now,” he started. “But I can assure you that he heard your prayers. He is with you, and he will always be with you. Always remember to trust in Him.” More tears fell down my cheek as I listened to him. 

“Thank you. I hope I’m doing the right thing,” I whispered. 

“Godspeed,” he replied. I nodded and turned to leave. I met the cold Boston air as I pushed the door open. I ran a hand through my hair and checked my phone. Multiple missed calls from both Athena and Jonas. Several text messages asking when I would be home. I sighed and checked the time. I missed dinner. Athena would be putting the kids to sleep. 

“Finn?” A voice called. I paused and panicked. Had they already found me? Did they already know? I calmed myself down and turned to look for who called my name. All my fears fell away when I saw Athena climb out of a car. 

“Athena,” I started. “What are you doing here?” 

“Jonas said that you had gone to the church. You didn’t pick up any of our calls or text us back. Jonas tried to reassure me that you were okay, but I worried. I came to look for you,” she explained. I smiled and walked towards her. Whenever I felt alone or invisible, Athena was always there. She was always looking for me. 

I wrapped her in a hug and kissed her briefly. 

“Thank you for coming. Is Jonas home with the girls?” I asked. Athena nodded. I brushed her hair back and looked at her for a moment. I loved both of them. I couldn’t live without either of them. I would suffer the consequences for loving them. I was ready to give it all for them.

+ _Athena_ +

I remembered that Finn told me that a priest said that God heard him. God forgave Finn because God said to love one another. I remembered when the council found out. Finn lost his ability to have kids. The council reasoned that I wouldn’t want to carry a gay man’s child. Jonas had the words “gender traitor” carved into his chest with a knife. 

The council knew that Dorothea was Jonas’s child. Thankfully, Jonas didn’t give in when the council asked him about the child. I didn’t want to put Julia at risk now. She was already risking a lot to get my child out of the country. She was my everything now, and I couldn’t risk losing her. Right now, I asked forgiveness from Jonas and Finn. I asked forgiveness because I had feelings for a girl that tastes like peaches. Feelings that weren’t going to go away any time soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title for this chapter: white male privilege
> 
> basically, the council knows about it because Gilead seems to know about everything. But Jonas and Finn's loyalty to Gilead protected them. So Jonas and Finn didn't end up on the wall, but they were punished. Seems like the Avery household isn't as perfect as Athena painted it to be in the beginning. Also the council knows that Jonas is Dorothea's father. They're just waiting for Jonas to confirm it so they can kill him.
> 
> Also shout-out to Dodie Clark for her wonderful music. 
> 
> leave your thoughts in the comments because I love reading them. did you enjoy the changing POVs? should do it in the next few chapters? I was just running out of ideas, so I decided to change it up a bit. hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Thank you for reading!!


	9. you are the best thing that's ever been mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you know that cute ass scene in season two where June takes Nick to meet Nichole before Nichole leaves with Emily? this is basically that scene, but it's going to be a lot sadder. bring tissues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: VIOLENCE
> 
> to enhance your experience, please listen to "Deliver Us" from the Prince of Egypt film and "Mine" by Taylor Swift while reading. if you do, please let me know afterwards how it went.
> 
> that's all I'm going to say.

Today was the day. Dottie was getting out of Gilead with Julia. The flight left at midnight. I hoped that Dottie would get a few hours of sleep before Julia had to leave, but she fought sleep. No matter how much I rocked her or fed her. Every time I thought she was asleep, her eyes would open again. Perhaps she knew what was coming and was trying to remember me in our last moments together. I certainly was. The shouting in the kitchen didn’t help Dottie sleep either. How did Julia and Mrs. Smith not know that I was trying to get the baby to sleep? 

If I could make the yelling stop, Dottie might be able to sleep for a few minutes. I adjusted Dottie in my arms and stood up. As I walked down the stairs, the conversation started to become clearer. 

“You can’t tell her that, Jonas. She’s already upset about the baby,” Julia said. Jonas was here? What did Jonas have to tell me?

“It’s better for her to find out from one of us than one of her Handmaid friends,” Jonas replied in a harsh tone. 

“I hate you because you think you can just show up here and make messes like this. You think you can just waltz in here like you own the place. Isn’t it fun to be a man and just have everyone turn their backs on what you do?” Julia jabbed. 

“What do you mean? Finn and I have to sneak around to see Athena,” Jonas questioned. 

“I let you in when I’m still up. Finn probably pays Commander Smith to turn a blind eye. You don’t realize how privileged you are. When you don’t show up for a few days, Athena gets anxious. She tells me about the nightmares that she has about you being on the wall. Every day Athena lives in fear that the Council is going to ship her off to the colonies or shoot her like they shot OfMatthew. You have no idea what she’s going through. You just pretend like you do because you’re horny,” Julia yelled. 

“You’re just upset because I get to love her, and you don’t,” Jonas answered. Those words took the oxygen out of my lungs. Julia loved me? I touched my fingers to my lips as I remembered our forbidden kiss in the kitchen under the moonlight. I looked down at the infant in my arms. Julia helped me when I needed it the most. 

“You know what? I do love her,” Julia started. “I have loved her for months. I took care of her when she needed it the most. I saw her at some of her lowest and highest points. She doesn’t love me though. I can’t even think about loving her because I’ll end up dead. You got words carved into your chest. I’ll get a rope around my throat and a place on the wall. My loyalty to Gilead won’t protect me as it did for you. It won’t protect Athena.” 

Julia was crying. I heard it in her voice. It broke my heart because I knew she was right. We could never be together in Gilead. It was hard enough to hide loving two men. I couldn’t imagine putting Julia in danger. 

“You’re right. It won’t. I was there last year when they killed those two kids for loving each other. I fear every day that it will be me, Finn, and Athena one day,” he said gently. “Please, Julia, I just want to meet my daughter. Then I promise I’ll be out of your hair. You have to leave soon anyway to catch a flight. I just want to meet her at least once.”

“Athena should be upstairs in the nursery. Be quiet though. The Commander and the mistress should be sleeping if we didn’t wake them,” Julia said. I turned and took the stairs two at a time. I stepped into the nursery and laid Dottie on the changing table. She fussed about it. I grabbed Dottie’s blanket. I did anything to make it seem like I was busy instead of eavesdropping. 

A knock came at the door. “Come in,” I called. I placed the envelope on Dottie’s chest and wrapped her blanket tightly around her. I turned and pretended to be surprised at the sight of Jonas. He didn’t look like he had just made Julia cry. “Jonas,” I said happily. “What are you doing here? Isn’t it a little early to be sneaking around?” I glanced out the window to make sure no Guardian vehicles were parked outside. No one was coming to take us. I scooped Dottie up in my arms as she started to fuss again.

“Well, Julia told me about your plan. I had to come to meet our baby before she left us,” Jonas replied.  _ Our baby _ . That would never get old. I grinned and walked towards him. Jonas hesitantly stepped closer and looked down at the little bundle I held in my arms. 

“Dottie, this is your daddy,” I said gently. I met Jonas’s eyes and noticed his tears. “Would you like to hold her?” Jonas nodded and held his arms out for her. “Okay, you have to support her head. She’s still unsteady, so you have to be careful. She’s not a gun, so don’t hold her like one,” I teased. 

I transferred Dorothea into Jonas’s arms with ease. I corrected his hold a little bit before I adjusted her hat. “There you go. You’ve got it. She isn’t too scary,” I assured Jonas. His eyes were glued to the little being in his arms. I leaned my head against his shoulder and smiled. This was how life was meant to be. 

Dottie fussed a little bit, but she didn’t cry. Jonas was a natural. Just like Finn. I knew how to pick great fathers. I pressed a kiss to Jonas’s cheek and whispered, “I love you.” Jonas looked at me with a grin. 

“I love you too. I love her. I can’t believe it took me this long to come and meet her. We’ve been busy with everything,” Jonas excused his behavior. I shook my head and met his eyes.

“All that matters is that you’re here now,” I replied. Jonas pressed a kiss to my lips, and it felt right. I pulled away when Dorothea started to fuss again. I took her from Jonas and rocked her in my arms. 

“Remember that lullaby you used to sing to the twins when they couldn’t sleep?” Jonas asked. I let out a small laugh at the thought. Lullabies seemed so silly now. I looked down at the little girl in my arms. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try. 

“Hush now, my baby, be still, love, don’t cry,” I sang softly. I felt Jonas’s arms wrap around me, and I smiled. I hadn’t scared him away yet. “Sleep as you’re rocked by the stream. Sleep and remember my last lullaby, and I’ll be with you as you dream.” Dottie cooed, and I glanced back at Jonas for a moment. “Seems like this little girl likes music as much as you do.”

I turned and faced Jonas, but his eyes were on Dorothea. He was wrapped around her tiny finger. “Maybe she’ll become a musician. Become famous in Canada for her music,” he teased at the idea.

I rolled my eyes and replied, “Only in your dreams, dreamer boy.” 

“In our-” 

Jonas’s sentence was cut short by a bullet shattering the window. The bullet pierced Jonas’s shoulder. It nearly missed Dottie’s head and my shoulder. Jonas coughed, and blood came up. His eyes met mine before he dropped to the floor. It happened so quickly that I didn’t even know what had happened. 

When my brain caught up to what I was seeing, I started yelling. “Julia! Oh my god. Julia! Please hurry!” I cried out. I set Dottie on the floor away from the blood and Jonas’s body. She started to cry loudly, and I could hear footsteps on the stairs. I dropped to my knees, helped Jonas to sit against the wall, and took off my bonnet. I pressed my bonnet against Jonas’s shoulder and watched the blood stain the white fabric. My tears clouded my vision.

“Athena,” Jonas croaked. 

“Shh, it’s going to be okay. Save your energy,” I said gently. “Julia! Please help me!” 

Julia burst through the door and took in the scene. “Oh god. This is bad. What did the hell happen? I need to call the Guardians,” she panicked. I shook my head. If she called the Guardians, they would take Jonas away. What would they do to him if they found out he was here? Julia and Dottie’s plan to escape would be ruined if the Guardians showed up. 

“Please, pick up Dottie. Find any medical supplies you can. Please, Julia. We have to try and save him,” I begged. Jonas’s skin paled, and I looked at Julia again. “Please, Julia. I need him. Dottie needs him.” Julia bent down and picked up the baby. I pushed Jonas’s hair out of his face and watched him for a moment. 

_ Click. _

“Julia. Put the baby down,” a voice came. Mrs. Smith stood in the nursery doorway. She was dressed in her nightclothes and held a pistol in her hand. Had she fired the bullet through Jonas’s shoulder? “I knew she was his baby. Athena, I’m impressed that your husband let you fuck the driver. Unless, of course, he also fucked the driver. It wasn’t that hard to put together. Especially, after John told me that Finn was sterile,” she said in a cool tone. “I could have all three of you put on the wall.”

“This is what this is about? Right now it doesn’t matter who Dorothea’s father is. A Guardian is bleeding out in your house, and you will be to blame,” I replied. “Please, you have to get help for him. You have to let Julia get the baby out of here.” Jonas’s blood was starting to stain my hands. I was losing him. He was dying in my arms. 

“Oh no, I won’t make the same mistake as Serena Waterford. I will kill you all and claim self-defense before I ever let Julia out of this house with my child,” Mrs. Smith threatened and kept the gun trained on Julia. I glanced at Jonas’s gun on his hip. Dorothea was screaming. She was covered in her father’s blood. 

“You have to do it. Julia and Dottie are counting on you,” Jonas whispered to me. “Just like we practiced in the woods.” He read my mind. He always knew what I was thinking. I wiped the tears from my eyes and met Julia’s eyes. 

I nodded at her, and Julia slowly started to set Dorothea down. It distracted Mrs. Smith for long enough that I could draw Jonas’s gun and load it. I stood up and aimed at Mrs. Smith. 

“This is for my family, you bitch,” I said. Then I fired three bullets in Mrs. Smith’s direction. One for each of my daughters that will never be hers. 

“What the hell is happening- Harriett? Oh my god, Harriett?” Commander Smith’s voice came from the hallway. I glanced at Jonas before I returned my attention to Commander Smith.

“I need medical supplies now,” I told the Commander. He hesitated with his hands up. He was a coward. “Now, John or you can join your wife in hell.” Commander Smith nodded and ran downstairs. “Julia, you have to get out of here. She can’t stay here. You two can’t stay here. He’s going to call the Guardians, and you two need to have a head start.” 

I knew that this day was coming, but I wasn’t prepared for it. Dorothea was leaving me in the arms of my best friend. I left the gun by Jonas. I didn’t want to step too far away from him, but I reluctantly moved towards the dresser. I jimmied open the top drawer and pulled out an envelope. 

The blood on my fingertips stained the envelope. My hand shook as I held it out to Julia. 

“It has everything she needs. Information about my sister and where you might find her. Recent pictures of our family. A tape for her to have in the future when she asks about this,” I explained gently. “Please take care of our little girl.” 

Julia nodded and took the envelope. She tucked it into Dorothea’s blankets. “I promise that I will take care of her,” she told me. “Athena, I … there’s so much that I want you to know. I want you to know that I…”

“Julia, I know,” I whispered. “Please, you have to go.” I picked up Mrs. Smith’s gun and handed it to Julia. “Take it to protect yourself. Don’t stop running until you get to the Lawrence household. I pray that we’ll meet again. Godspeed.”

Julia nodded and tucked the gun into her dress. “Godspeed,” Julia answered. Then she turned and ran down the stairs. 

“Athena? Is she safe?” Jonas weakly asked. I returned to his side as I heard Commander Smith returning upstairs. I brushed his hair back from his eyes and smiled softly. 

“She’s getting out,” I whispered. “Julia is going to take care of her.” 

“Where did Julia and the baby go? What the hell did you do? Who do you think you are? You bitch!” Commander Smith started to shout. “I called the Guardians. They’re on their way to arrest you. They’ll hang you this time.” Without a second thought, I picked up the gun again and fired two warning shots into the Commander’s chest. He fell to the floor with a loud thud. 

The Commander didn’t bring medical supplies. The Guardians were on their way. I was sitting in the nursery with two bodies and a dying Guardian. My white bonnet and hands were stained red by Jonas’s blood. I slid the gun away from us. There was nothing I could do. 

“Jonas, I failed you,” I whimpered. “I failed our family. I don’t know what to do or how to help you. I can’t let you go.” Jonas reached up and took my hand. 

“You’re still here. You could have left. You haven’t failed me. You are the strongest woman I know,” Jonas said. He struggled to keep his eyes open. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too.”

“Athena?”

“Yes?”

“Will you sing for me? That one Taylor Swift song that you used to sing all the time?”

“Yeah, I can sing it for you.”

“Mine” by Taylor Swift was our song. I hadn’t thought about it in years, but Jonas wanted me to sing it. If he wasn’t dying, I wouldn’t have sung it. It seemed childish and dumb, but if it eased his pain, I would sing it a thousand times.

“Do you remember we were sitting there by the water,” I started to sing. I could hear the sirens come down the block. I sat next to Jonas and wrapped his good arm around my shoulders. I laid my head on his chest and listened to him breathe.

“You put your arm around me for the first time,” I sang. My heart pounded as I listened to the cars screech to a stop outside the house. The flashing lights danced on the nursery walls. I closed my eyes and tried to hold onto my last moments with Jonas. 

“You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter.” The door to the house was kicked in. Guardians were shouting commands to one another. We made a daughter together, and she was on her way to a new home. Dorothea was never truly ours.

“You are the best thing that’s ever been mine,” I whispered. I heard Jonas take his last breath as the Guardians entered the nursery. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> howdy.
> 
> this chapter made me cry. it hurts, but who's to say that the guardians were able to save Jonas? that's something you'll find out later. yes, Julia is the Martha with the baby that arrives with Rita in the season three finale. (ps that is not canon for the show.) 
> 
> we are nearing the end. are you prepared? please leave your thoughts below. I love reading them. they give me motivation to keep writing.
> 
> thanks for all the love and support. it means the world to me.


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